Cheating son’s wife wants us to take her side

soMe people can take a while to pluck up the courage and get in touch about their problems, such as this week’s writer, Maureen, who charts her worries over nearly a year about her son’s infidelity . . .

love, don’t we? On the other side, there is your poor Italian daughter-in-law (who’s come to love you as a mother-figure) and those two grandchildren.

For me there is no contest and therefore no choice. I believe your duty lies in supporting those three blameless people, even at the cost of annoying and alienating your son. The way you set out your email suggests you’ve been intending to write for a while.

Now you’ve seen the situation deteriorate, you finally decided to send it.

But I’m sure you went on hoping it would all turn out well, that they would either get back together or part amicably with your son continuing to be a decent dad. But he just blew that, didn’t he? By choosing his girlfriend over his children on this holiday, he gave you no choice.

You say you don’t know what to do. Well, for a start, you must assure your daughter-in-law that she has your support 100 per cent and that you will do all in your power to ensure she is treated well in the divorce settlement.

Then, I would invite the teenage grandchildren to stay with you, to give you proper time to try to talk the situation through with them, because what they are about to face down the line could be horribly disruptive for their schooling.

Of course, you will tell your son exactly what you are doing — and why.

Is there really any choice?

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND and I are nearly 70. Our son and his Italian wife, married 15 years, have a girl, aged 15, and boy, 13.

He is nine years younger than his 52-year-old wife, and is a very successful entrepreneur. Her family is in Italy so I’ve always tried to make her feel a part of the family and I became a sort of mother-figure confidante.

Last week our son left saying he could no longer be with her. He’s admitted an affair he says is now over. His wife says he’s trying to be a playboy and she has lost respect for him.

I have tried to reach out with support, but she unleashed a diatribe of hateful things and implied he’d been indulged too much.

My son has kept up contact with the children and tries to be available to them as much as possible. She’s a warm, kind and loving woman and deserves a happy life but cannot accept the marriage is over.

TWO MONTHS LATER: They’re maintaining a warm relationship with the children but she is still not free of negativity but doing her best for the children. My son seems to be having it both ways: single from Sunday to Thursday, then a family man over the weekend. The four of them spend time together — with tense moments when the children are wary. It breaks my heart to see once-happy kids dealing with this split.

MORE MONTHS LATER: They seemed to be working out a way forward. However, my granddaughter has just sent a heartfelt text asking me to speak to her dad as she thinks he will lose his family by pursuing a single life and spending time with his rich friends.

EVEN MORE MONTHS LATER: My son is verbally attacked as he entered the house after my daughter-in-law hacked his phone and discovered (as she suspected) his affair with a 27-year-old ‘hostess’ in London. Now he’s maintaining contact with the children but taking this woman on all his trips.

Instead of flying out to spend time with his children on holiday in Spain he went on a ‘business trip’ with the other woman. My granddaughter sent me a text saying his phone had stayed on in his pocket so she heard all their conversation. She believes the woman is more important than his children.

My daughter-in-law is now filing for divorce. She sent us a detailed email saying she needs our support as we are her only family. I’m finding it hard to know what to do.

MAUREEN

Of COURSE it is easy to see how as a mother you feel torn — so perhaps you will expect my reply to be neutral. Yet that’s difficult because, from my perspective, as an outsider, one outcome matters more than any other.

Nowadays being ‘judgmental’ is frowned on, yet here we have an all-too-familiar story where a man in his 40s hates getting old and tires of responsibility so kicks up his heels — and his family over.

Am I supposed to say, ‘Poor thing, his wife must have been difficult, and anyway we all have to seize the time’?

No I will not. You make it clear he is hurting his children through his selfish behaviour with his sexy young lover — and to me (and many other people, I’m sure) that is straightforwardly wrong.

Many of us have been seduced into nibbling the delicious green grass the other side of the fence, but for heaven’s sake let us not make easy excuses for such behaviour.

Yes, I can understand you find yourself in a difficult position. On the one side of the scales, you have your selfish, spoilt, wealthy son — and we mothers go a long way with heavy- hearted, unconditional