I can’t leave this rude, horrible man
DEAR BEL,
I’M 51 and have been in a relationship for ten years. When we met, we were both in other relationships, both of us having real problems.
He eventually left his partner, but went back after she begged for a baby as she was in her early 40s.
They had a baby and I also got pregnant but miscarried. I already had two children. Our relationship was OK but he was busy with his daughter, and later a woman brought along a six-year-old child who was his. I accepted all that — even going to court with him when the mother of the first child became difficult.
The past three years have been hell. He treats me like rubbish, talks to me like I am a nobody, shouts at me. Acts as if he does not like me — although he’s good to others.
I cry every day. But for some reason can’t break up with him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
He has told me several times that we should break up, but I get so anxious and feel unhappy — yet am sad with him. I feel old and ugly. When I am talking to him, he closes his eyes in boredom. When I ask him not to be so rude, he says everything has to be my way. I even apologise when I know I am not in the wrong. Why am I putting myself through this torture?
JANE
YOur email subject line was, ‘Why can I not let go of an emotionally abusive relationship?’ which pre-empts my reply. It’s all there, isn’t it?You are perfectly aware of the nature of this involvement. I find it hard to use the word ‘relationship’ — in fact increasingly, as an advice columnist, I find myself questioning the over-used word ‘love’ as well. (At least you don’t use that one).
The whole idea of a ‘ relationship’ implies a connection, a mutuality. Does that describe the emotional prison you have put yourself in? Like so many people, you are locked into a delusion, as well as a miserable entanglement.
Ten years ago you already had two children yet tell me nothing about them or their father. What happened? It seems an extraordinary omission. Do you see
them? What do they think of this man?
Your thoroughly depressing tale actually contains the lives of four children of different ages, innocents who seem side-lined by two adults who dislike each other yet stay locked in mutally assured destruction.
Please, I beg you, read aloud your words a couple of times and ask yourself how this sounds to a stranger? Which includes our readers. Pathetic and sad? Of course. Pitiable? Yes. But also frustrating to those who believe we have a duty to take control of our lives, if at all possible. Believing it is possible would be a start.
I’m wondering what was it in your background that turned you into this helpless victim and whether you have ever sought help for what seem like chronic issues of low self-esteem?
Talking to a professional would surely be helpful — although I do realise that, for some, there are financial constraints. But please consider it. You need help — and soon. You sound depressed and it will only get worse while you stay with this man who hurts you every day.
He says it would be better to split up, yet you resist. What’s going on? I suggest
you visit liveboldandbloom.com/07/relationships/womenstaywhich gives nine reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Please read through them carefully and take some time to consider which parts apply to you.
I now have to bat your last question right back to you — in the hope you may be able to answer it for yourself.
At 51 you have (hopefully) many years ahead — years in which you can do things, meet people, listen, learn, love. Yes, I used the ‘L’ word absent from your email.
You are perfectly aware that you are wasting your life in this awful, loveless prison. The man makes your life a misery — so please just listen to him now and take back your freedom.