Cautionary tale of bully grandfather

LAST week’s column about grandparents’ rights inevitably had a mixed response — and fairness compels me to give space to the alternative.

Before writing this column, I realised life is never simple. Now that painful truth bothers me every day — in emotional life as in politics. Jane S tells me, ‘I find the issue of familial rights fraught with worry.’

Reading my heartfelt plea that grandparents must not be forgotten when families split up, depriving children of what can be a precious relationship, she told her own story:

‘My parents were horribly abusive and controlling throughout my childhood. When I had children, I wanted them to have a special bond with their grandparents and hoped my parents would be better.

‘So I did all I could to nurture a positive and caring relationship. Then, on one visit, I found my youngest son, then a robust 13, in tears because my father had upset and bullied him.

‘My son asked why we had to spend so much time with his grandparents when they were always so horrible. I realised I not been protecting my sons and had been enabling my parents to behave as they had to me. We went home and haven’t seen my parents since. Six years have passed.

‘While it’s sad and difficult, this is so much better than the way things were — tiptoeing round my parents’ feelings.

‘A sense of relief fills us now, instead of that dread we used to feel when a visit approached. I know not every estranged family has good reasons behind it, and that my perception is skewed because of my experience.

‘But if my parents had been able to claim a right of access to my children, their abuse would have continued. I worry about all the other children in this same situation who could so easily be traumatised by court-ordered contact.’

I admit my own perception is skewed through three generations of loving grandparenting. It’s hard to be objective, isn’t it?