A VERY MODERN BATTLEFIELD Why can’t you be a supergran?
... because I’ve got a life to live!
BEL SAYS:
You might expect me to feel a pang reading Kitty’s words, but I don’t. Much of what she says is right, and I admire her honesty. At the same time, this grandmother believes she does quite enough!
Writing the Mail’s Saturday advice column has left me convinced that ordinary daily life presents insoluble dilemmas with no easy answers. Nothing in human life is ever simple and family relationships are often hideously complicated.
Parents — especially mothers — never feel they get it ‘right’.
And grandparents might resent being asked to do more, while at the same time heart- searching about selfishness.
I’m sure that Kitty cherishes a picture-perfect image of grandparenthood — fed by her own experience. My mother and father were so happy to spend every Saturday afternoon with Dan and Kitty so that I could retreat. Do I want to do the same? No, I don’t.
I’m always desperate to carve out time to relax and read — or sit down and write. It’s wonderful when the grandchildren visit, but I am happy to hand them back.
I’ve coloured-in and made brick towers and played games and planted and created models with the best of perfect grannies — but I don’t want to do any more than I already do. Patience has never been my strong point. My second husband has proved to be a far better grandparent than I am. The term ‘sandwich generation’ is used for baby-boomers like me — but I heard recently someone coined the term ‘layer cake’ for a family like ours. There’s my parents; me and my husband; my children (45 and 39), then the kids. That’s four layers which have to be balanced. Sometimes, the equilibrium goes wrong — such as when I’m cooking for my parents while suspecting I ought to give Kitty a break because she sounded stressed on the phone. Meanwhile, I’m feeling anxious about a book proposal, and I know my husband would like us to plan a holiday, but I can’t see how I can leave my parents. At times like that, the layers feel as if they’re coming apart. A generation ago, when women tended to have families at a younger age, grandparents were more youthful. My mother reminded me that when I had my son in 1974, she was 50, but when Kitty had Chloe in 2012, I was 66. That’s quite a difference in energy levels. I’ll gladly sew on nametapes and make superhero cloaks and angel costumes. At home with four grandchildren (my son and his wife have two young boys), I’ll cook their tea, make soft toys, ‘talk’ like a puppeteer, fold up washing and read stories. But, oh — enough! I do want time off.
THAT
little word ‘duty’ is important. I do believe that harmonious family life is achieved only by means of a level of sacrifice and that we have a duty to help each other.
That’s why Kitty’s heartfelt, honest words have made me think. She is right that time passes by so quickly, and it’s one of the terrifying aspects of getting older that you feel it more and more.
It’s bewildering to think that Chloe, the baby girl I marvelled at in 2012 (because she was an IVF baby and had a difficult birth) is now seven. Seven, and I have never shown her how brilliant I am at building sandcastles. Why?
Faced with that question, I bow my head and know my daughter is right. I speak of ‘duty’ — and yet should I not see time with these children as more of a privilege?
But I know my feelings about the limits of grandparenting are shared. Do we all have to enjoy changing nappies and finding lost dummies all over again?
What happens when two grandparents have new partners? Then Mum may be less inclined to play the old Granny role because an exciting life beckons. And if Dad is on a Danube cruise with his divorced lady friend, he can’t get out the old train set, can he?
It may be frustrating for their children that these parents are concentrating on their own lives — but don’t they have the right, having put the family first for years? honestly, I’m not sure. The only thing I am sure of is the love.
Does your family do battle over grandparent duties? email your story to: femailreaders@dailymail.co.uk