Should I tell my ex-lover’s wife about our affair?

DEAR BEL, I KNOW this problem is all my fault, so people won’t sympathise.

I’m 42 and my affair with a married man lasted four years, but recently ended slowly and painfully.

Our relationship was platonic at first, but when it finally became physical we were both pleased. But after three years the intimacy tailed off.

Meetings always involved a lot of planning and tension — and I knew he had some issues to deal with at work, so I let it be.

One evening he blurted out that he had suddenly found himself unable to ‘perform’. He always said he no longer had sex with his wife . . . so how did he know? I tried to understand the situation. Then several months on he lost his job.

He asked me to give him time to sort things out — which I did. He got in touch less and less, just leaving messages and making excuses. I gave him several very direct chances to finish the relationship but he always declined.

I see-sawed between feeling worried and concerned and not wanting to end it, and increasingly frustrated at the lack of any discussion. I kept thinking we’d talk it through, but we never did and I was left in limbo.

Eventually I said I wouldn’t contact him again — but relented as it was a dreadful way to ditch what had been a very loving relationship.

I still needed reasons for his withdrawal from me. All he would say was: ‘Oh, this is just going over the same old ground.’ It dragged on until he messaged to say it would be better if we ceased all contact.

I feel I have been treated very badly and don’t know what to do with all the anger and hurt I feel.

I gave this man my love, my time, my companionship, my loyalty, but feel betrayed and bewildered by his behaviour. Why would he want to leave me like that?

I question my own judgment. My self-esteem is non-existent. There are moments I’m so angry I think I’ll write to his wife.

I want to confront him and tell him how much hurt and damage he has caused me, but somehow I can’t. JANEY

Yes, indeed, people are full of judgment and will indeed blame you for the affair: you know it and so do I.

so let us leave that right there because what’s done is done, as Lady Macbeth cried, wringing her hands.

It’s interesting, however, that you don’t tell me whether your lover has children, whether he expressed guilt — or anything, really. He came out with the hoary old chestnut that he was no longer sleeping with his wife and you believed him.

There are men who have made similar promises to their mistresses and fathered two babies more or less simultaneously — and I venture to suggest that there we know where to direct our judgments.

Like countless women before you, and the unknown millions who are waiting in the wings, you were taken in by a married man and fell in love.

You shared happy (and presumable sexy, at first) times, and here I should point out that although an extra-marital affair may cause terrible tension, it is also tremendously exciting. What is forbidden will always have a powerful allure. That’s how it is — and all the commandments in the world will never change it.

Your lover had stress in work, culminating in him losing his job. I am certain he must have felt guilt at deceiving his wife — and betraying his family if there were children.

The combination of the two might have made him lose his virility — or he might have been lying to you about that, searching around for an excuse. He probably wanted

you to end the relationship to save him the decision; then when you tried to, he didn’t want to let you go.

Since you were no longer having sex, that suggests a sincere, deep feeling for you — and in my opinion you should cherish this consolation amid the wreckage. Why did he end it in that abrupt way? Because he was a coward and knew there was no longer anything to ‘discuss’. It was over.

He presumably had to find new employment and continue with his marriage and therefore his time for loving you was over.

I’m afraid you have to face up to this truth and accept it — hard though that is.

Apply balm to that wounded self- esteem by telling yourself that he did love you and will probably think of you with sweet wistfulness when he is 80: the love that had to end.

However, if you were to write to his wife, all that you shared, all the stolen moments and laughter and loving, would be killed stone dead.

Vengeance, hatred and blame are a bitter harvest and you must not sow those seeds.

It’s time to step away from the wreckage.