What is he too scared to tell you?

STEPH SAYS:

THE first thing that strikes me here is the timing. you say your husband’s silences have become worse with age and seem more frequent since your children have moved out. I would suggest this may be the catalyst.

It seems to me your husband may have previously been using your children as a foil to hide his irritation and his own childishness. It’s very possible. The reality is that in your empty nest, there’s no one other than you around to soften the blow. We all have arguments, but

how we argue is symptomatic of how we are growing in our relationship. We all have our own style of having a row, but just like other areas of our lives, we adapt our behaviour as we grow together. Or, at least, we should.

The other thing all couples do is argue about something entirely unrelated to whatever it is that is really making us angry. you might be having an almighty ding-dong about the dishwasher, but it’s not really about the dishwasher, is it? and, usually, at least in my experience, the real cause of the row ends up coming out during it.

But, unfortunately, this is not happening in your case because your husband refuses to communicate. He is literally shutting down and stopping himself from saying what’s really bothering him. So I would ask him. He is trying to send you a message, albeit in a petulant and hurtful way. I think you need to ask him calmly, quietly, over a bottle of wine or a coffee, and manage the conversation with care and love. He must feel totally and utterly smothered in your love.

you don’t know what he’s going to say — it could be something serious, so prepare yourself for that — but you need to create the conditions for him to tell you. and for your own self- esteem, you need to feel empowered by the fact you’re insisting on a conversation.

you’ve been married 24 years — a very long time. However unacceptable his behaviour is, however much it upsets you, I think the issues he is struggling with come from a deep-seated fear of conflict.

I have no doubt you’re now making huge leaps in your imagination as to what he might not wish to tell you. Don’t!

There’s no point. Just talk to him and ask him to talk to you. Tell him cutting you off hurts you deeply and coax him into a proper conversation.

If you approach this with patience and love, you will navigate this delicate problem in a way that will get results.