He’s being childish -- and cruel

DOM SAYS:

I really sympathise with you. Many years ago I made an unwise comment about Steph’s hair and she didn’t speak to me for two weeks. Two whole weeks. It was unbearable.

I knew I shouldn’t have said it the moment it came out of my mouth (I seem to remember something about hedges and being dragged backwards), but, boy, did the punishment outweigh the crime.

Since then, I’ve learned not to mention bad hair days and Steph has learned not to torture me quite so much when I do step out of line.

For torture it is. It’s childish, for a start, but the silent treatment leaves the one being ignored feeling really rather low. It means you have no choice but to continue the row, if only in your head, while also leaving you feeling like the kid in the playground that nobody will play with. Not fun at all!

So, he shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. But what worries me here is that it’s happening with increasing frequency. you are at the stage in your relationship, with the kids having flown the nest, when you should be growing back together, not drifting further apart in miserable silence.

I wonder if there’s a reason for his unhappiness. Is he depressed? Suffering from a mid-life crisis, or perhaps experiencing difficulties in the downstairs department and pushing you away as a result?

I ask because I think you have to try to root out the problem, otherwise this could be the start of the long goodbye.

Obviously, I hope that’s not the case, but I think it’s important you take steps to stop the rot. Make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor together and ask them to help you understand why your relationship is under such strain — and to help you show your husband he absolutely must argue more kindly.

His truculence is, in my opinion, a mild form of bullying. It takes away your right to reply. after all, you’re going to feel a bit silly talking into a void.

I wonder if he does it because it’s so effective. Does it mean he wins every spat, always gets his own way and never has to do any cooking, or cleaning, or what-have-you?

Whatever the reason, it has to stop. Tell him he has to grow up and start to argue with you like a grown-up.

It is wildly unrealistic to think we all live in perfect harmony all the time, but we should try our hardest to minimise the hurt we cause the one we love!