IF YOU ASK ME... What if I gave myself a real radio grilling?

JH: GOOD morning. It’s ten past eight and I’m John Humphrys. With me, live in the studio, is . . . John Humphrys.

It’s just been announced that he has finally decided to leave Today after 32 years. Mr Humphrys, why did you leave it so long? JH: Well, as you said, it’s been 32 years and that’s . . . JH: I know how long it’s been — far too long for the taste of many listeners, some might say. It’s because your style of interviewing has long since passed its sell-by date, isn’t it? JH: Well, I suppose some people might say that but . . . JH: You suppose some people might say that? Is it true or not? JH: I’m not sure it’s really up to me to pass judgement on that because . . . JH: What d’you mean you’re not sure?! You either have a view on it or you don’t. JH: Well I do but you keep interrupting me and . . . JH: Ha! That’s a bit rich. Isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing to your guests on this programme for the past 32 years, and isn’t that one of the reasons why the audience has finally had enough of you? JH: I really don’t think that’s fair. After all, it was only politicians I ever interrupted and only if they weren’t answering the question.

JH: You mean if they didn’t answer your questions in the way you chose?

JH: Again, that’s not fair, because . . .

JH: Are you seriously suggesting that you didn’t approach every political interview with your own views, and if the politician didn’t happen to share those views, they were toast? You did your best to cut them off at the knees.

JH: That’s nonsense. The job of the interviewer is to act as Devil’s advocate, to test the politician’s argument and . . .

JH: And to make them look like fools and to make you look clever. It’s just an ego trip, isn’t it?

JH: No — and if that were really the case, the politician would refuse to appear on Today. And mostly they don’t . . .

JH: Ah! You say ‘mostly’, which is a weasel word if ever I heard one. Isn’t it the case that when they do refuse, it’s because all you want is a shouting match?

JH: Not at all. They’re a pretty robust bunch and I’d like to think they hide from the live microphone because they don’t want to be faced with questions that might very well embarrass them if they answer frankly and honestly.

JH: I’m sure that’s what you’d like to think, but the facts suggest otherwise, don’t they? And when they do try to answer frankly, you either snort with disbelief or try to ridicule them.

JH: Look, I wouldn’t deny that I get frustrated when the politician is simply refusing to answer the question, and I’m sure the listeners feel the same. It’s my job to ask the questions they want answered — and if the politician refuses to engage or pulls the ‘I think what people really want to know’ trick, then it’s true that occasionally I do let my irritation show.

JH: Nonsense! The fact is you’ve often been downright rude.

JH: Well, I admit that I’ve been guilty of it — but not often. And I regret it enormously — not least because it really does upset the audience . . .

But ask yourself: what’s the point of doing long, worthy and boring interviews if no one is listening?

JH: Ah — so now we get to the nub of it, don’t we? It’s all about ratings!

JH: Of course not, but obviously they matter . . .

JH: Because the higher they are, the more you can get away with charging the BBC a king’s ransom to present the programme!

JH: Ah — I wondered how long it would take you to get onto this because . . .

JH: I trust you’re not going to deny that you’ve been paid outrageous sums of money over the years for sitting in a comfy studio asking a few questions.

JH: Are you saying the amount a presenter gets paid shouldn’t be related to the size of his or her audience? That’s rubbish!

JH: Ooh — touchy, aren’t we, when it comes to your own greed? Have you forgotten that it’s the licencepayers who foot the bill, and the vast majority earn a tiny percentage of what you take home?

JH: Yes, I’m a bit touchy on this subject. And, anyway, I volunteered to take several pay cuts, as you well know . . .

JH: Yes, yes, yes, we all know you’re a saint, but I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. John Humphrys — thank you.