Help! my daughters are at war

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND died of cancer more than a year ago. I have two daughters — one has three children and the other was pregnant while her father was ill. He wasn’t an easy man, I worked hard, we were not perfect, but the family was the one thing he and I both cared about. My eldest lives quite near. During my husband’s illness, she fell out with her sister as she believed she should have visited him more often. When my youngest grandchild was born, they continued not to speak. He’s now one and she still hasn’t seen her nephew. Family life has been torn apart. I’ve been racked by illness and most days don’t want to be here. Some days I just want to forget them for bringing me grief upon grief. Now I need an operation and just hope I do not come out of hospital.

LINDA

ReAdING about such family conflicts is the worst aspect of my job. Often they’re made worse by hasty, terse texts that can never be recalled.

I wonder if that happened between your daughters? Reading between the lines (and knowing things from your longer letter), I suspect there were family problems before these sad events.

It sounds as if you were no stranger to conflict over the years, admitting that your late husband was ‘difficult’. Young people will pick up on these character traits and possibly learn to ‘ communicate’ in similar ways.

did your daughters squabble a lot when they were young? Being honest about your memories might help you to consider why they are like this now.

Whatever the deeper truths, reading of your despair I feel frustrated by your daughters, especially the elder. You are grateful that she is helpful to you, yet she made your agony over your husband’s illness and death so much worse because of ‘falling’ out with her sister over a perceived lack of visits. There must be more to this.

But the question is, how will you go forward with your own life? I feel very sorry for you, ill as you are and caught in the middle.

You express a wish to be dead, so I urge you to call the Samaritans (116 123 at any time) if this mood threatens to overwhelm you. You can also use email ( jo@

samaritans.org), if it would help you to write things out.

Then, do you know anyone who could mediate between your daughters: a family friend or relative? Or what about their respective partners? Something has to be done to break this impasse, and in your state of health you cannot be the one to do it. Try to find someone . . . a little job which shouldn’t tax you too much.

I would like that family friend to show each of your daughters a photograph of them together when young and then ask them if they would speak to each other at their mother’s funeral.

Would you, warring ladies? And would you be able to explain to your respective children why they do not know their cousins?

You, older sister, do you ever wonder what gave you the right to judge your sister?

You, younger sister, have you ever put your mother before your quarrel and your pride? enough of this stupidity!