You hold all the cards — and hearts

STEPH SAYS:

LeT’S get straight to the point and not sugar- coat anything. This is too important for fluffy words and platitudes. we both know you cannot go back to the way life was before. Your pain is justifiable: you are going through a bereavement of sorts.

This is too complex to tackle in one go, so let’s break it down into sections that are more manageable for you.

Taking control this will give you back your very self. I cannot begin to imagine the range and depth of your feelings, so we must try to find a way for you to take charge of them.

what happens now will determine the rest of your life. And your family’s. They will be waiting for your reaction and take their cue from you. You say you loved the way your life was — do remember that. Now is probably not the time to go all Boudicca on everyone, tempting as that may be.

what your husband did was appalling, but sadly middleaged infidelity is surprisingly common. You also mention your marriage went through a rocky patch. All marriages have them. Men slip down the pecking order after kids. It happens. And if there hadn’t been a child, then you’d never have known, and everything would’ve carried on as it was.

Instead, your world has been turned upside down. You probably feel as though you don’t know your husband, so deep is his deception.

However, certain questions must be asked: why he didn’t tell you? Did he really not know of her existence? or have there been regular payments along the way? You also need to manage yourself while doing this. Please do not fold into the temptation of being highly emotional. You must remain calm and methodical and make it clear that this is not a discussion— you are driving this.

He absolutely must be honest with you now. Further down the line, it may be helpful, to be guided by a marriage counsellor, but not now.

Include your children in this — they will need support to process this, too. As painful as it is for you, you must support your son in his decision to see this girl. It is his choice to make.

As for your marriage, that is your choice to make. If you decide you cannot move forward with your husband, then make a graceful exit. Leave with compassion. It is essential to feel good about yourself at the end of this.

You are the matriarch of your clan. You hold all the cards right now, but you also hold everyone’s hearts in your hands — be gentle with them.