I just don’t believe he didn’t know

DOM SAYS:

How utterly hideous for you. I understand you must feel that your whole world has fallen apart. Not only have you discovered your husband was unfaithful, you’ve also discovered he has another child, and that your children have another sibling.

I think the first thing to address here is the most important — the other child. I’m sure that, for you, this young woman is nothing more than an acid bath of a memory of deception.

Her very existence is a reminder of your husband’s faithlessness. But, I implore you, please do not show your anger or bitterness to her. It is not her fault. She has not acted improperly by contacting her brother. She has a right to know her father and her siblings.

And I use the term siblings deliberately. My father had two children 20 years after he had me, and while we don’t share the same mother, to me they are, absolutely, my brother and sister — no halves about it — and have brought me all the joy those words imply.

Let your son (and your daughter, too, should she wish) build a relationship with his sister. You do not have to get to know her yourself, although it’s possible that in the future you will choose to do so. It is enough that you don’t stand in your son’s way. His desire to know his sister is not a betrayal.

The betrayal is your husband’s, and I would imagine it is no less devastating for being 20 years ago than if it were yesterday.

I know that if Steph or I were to be unfaithful, it would ruin both of our lives. There would be no second chances. No patching things up. But many people believe that it can be done. That everyone is entitled to screw things up once. And if you feel able to do so, then you could try to forgive. The important thing to remember is that early marriage is a difficult time. No one admits it, but a baby almost always equals a lonely and neglected husband who misses his wife.

I’m not seeking to justify it, but I am trying to explain why your husband may have strayed. what he should have done, of course, is to take it on the chin and wait for your attention to return to him, but he failed.

He must not fail now. If he is to regain your trust, he must do everything necessary to make you feel secure in his love. Do you believe he didn’t know about his daughter until now? I’m not sure I buy that. DNA tests existed 20 years ago, after all.

Ask him again to tell you everything. Then start to rebuild your life — in whichever direction you think best.