WAG wars? I’m guilty of loving every acrylic taloned twist
Super sleuth Coleen rooney set a Scouse trap to uncover the rodent leaking information from her private Instagram account. After her three fake stories duly appeared in print, she concluded that the culprit was fellow WAG rebekah Vardy, or someone with access to her Instagram account. Gotcha!
Stop it. I know. There are so many more serious matters to concern ourselves with.
eco-terrorists causing havoc on the streets of London, the UK teetering on the brink, John Bercow’s nanny getting a £ 490 taxpayer- funded washing machine and — let’s press pause on that spin cycle for one moment. We all know the Speaker has a lot of size XSMALL dirty laundry to process but even still. For that amount of money, I hope the machine steam-presses his jabots in a way we would all find gratifying.
Meanwhile, hurrah for Coleen and the WAGs who have a knack of cheering up the nation at moments of national crisis, just when we need them most.
I like to think of plucky Coleen, puffing on a herbal Meerschaum under her Burberry-print deerstalker, clicking away at her ipad with her French manicured nails, whittling down the Cluedo WAG suspects until only one was left.
Mrs Vardy denies that she is guilty of anything and took time off from her holiday in Dubai — things must be serious! — to clear her name. To this end she said she was going to hire forensic experts to prove her innocence, whomsoever they might be.
Oh my goodness, this is just like Velma and roxie in Chicago; it is The Shawshank redemption all over again, only with better clothes and a demand for deliverance and freedom that is only slightly less noble. ‘I liked you a lot Coleen and I am so upset that you have chosen to do this, especially when I am heavily pregnant,’ complained Mrs Vardy. perhaps she is right, perhaps she is wronged, but I have long noted that it is a tendency of those who feel guilty to try to elicit sympathy in the first instance.
What kind of a woman is rebekah Vardy? When she married footballer Jamie Vardy in 2016, his parents were so horrified by their prospective daughter-in-law, they refused to attend the wedding. Married once before, she left her first husband after a fling in a hotel with the singer peter Andre — whom she described as being equipped with ‘a miniature chipolata’. She seems like a nice girl, doesn’t she?
Coleen has been stoic in the face of her husband Wayne rooney’s multiple infidelities, including a fling with a middle-aged prostitute who wore rubber catsuits and was known locally as the Auld Slapper. CHIPOLATAS. Sleuthing. Creaking rubber. If someone doesn’t turn this drama into a film or a ten-part television series soon, they are missing the opportunity of the century. perhaps even an opera!
Wagatha Christie has all the elements of a blockbuster, every detail down pat. The fake stories Coleen came up with were so deliciously WAGGISH, from the fake visit to the fake baby gender Mexican clinic to her possible appearance on Strictly Come Dancing.
perhaps Coleen let herself down with the mundane Storm Lorenzo fake news that her home had been flooded. For any Tami, Nik or harriet in Cheshire can get a damp basement any day of the week. how I wish I lived in WAGLAND like Coleen and rebekah! The land of the eternal tan and the acrylic talon, where milk and honey are neither sustenance nor luxury but shades of blonde on a highlights chart.
In this spangled landscape of big hair and ever bigger boobage, there is little to task the tiny mind, and life goals do not extend beyond surrounding themselves with fashionable luxuries.
Most WAGs commit fully to the life of the lotus eater (gluten-free, no carbs, love it). They shop for Cartier bracelets, succumb to all manner of beautifying tweakments and take a holiday between holidays quite often, like rebekah, in Dubai — the international capital of WAGdom.
Then every now and again a spear of truth punctures their pleasuredome of delights — and all hell breaks loose.
Coleen is now seen as a heroine, and all credit to her. As Dolly parton once sang, it’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world.
Yet in her epic quest for the truth, she somehow overlooked the duplicitous behaviour of her own husband.
It is no secret that Wayne rooney has been known to play away on multiple occasions. There were call-girls when she was pregnant with their first child and two years ago he was caught drinkdriving another woman’s car while Coleen (pregnant again) was at home.
Then, more recently, he was pictured near a hotel lift with the deadliest of all creatures — a ‘mystery brunette.’
It is interesting that Coleen rooney feels rebekah Vardy’s putative behaviour is more worthy of examination than her own husband’s tomcatting tendencies.
WAG-on-WAG crimes have their own complex loyalty systems but I fear this case is less about a lust to uncover the truth and more about the need to control the narrative.
Bangs gavel. Next!