You’re only 69 — to hell with the age gap

First, i’m very sorry for your loss. Having recently lost my father to cancer, i know that the past ten years were pretty hard work for his wife. it is an utterly hideous thing to go through. so believe me, i know you have had a difficult time for a very long time. You have my full support and admiration.

i wonder if you have heard of a thing called ‘anticipatory grief’. it does what it says on the tin, in that it means you start to grieve for the loss of a loved one when you know they are going to die.

You feel the loss before it actually happens. Your husband died seven weeks ago, which is no time at all, but i understand how you may well have grieved his death quite some time ago.

that isn’t to say you aren’t in pain and turmoil now, just that it may not be as early in the grieving process for you as some people might expect.

While your friend may think your new relationship is premature, i do not.

it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you have already done a great deal of grieving. And i am delighted you have found some solace and comfort. the fact this solace comes in the arms of a younger man matters not one jot.

there are 26 years between you — so what! it really is just a number, as i’m sure you know, given your beloved husband was 11 years older than you.

You are only 69. With a bit of luck you have a full 25 years ahead of you. Now, should this new romance go the distance, i’m not sure there’d be much swinging from the chandeliers then but he’d be staring down 70 too that point.

there is no doubt you are on the rebound, but you seem to be taking this wisely and sensibly, so i say make hay while the sun shines. to hell with the age gap, you have the opportunity now for a new relationship to blossom and you should take it.

Grab this happiness with both hands and stop worrying about the future.

You must stop beating yourself up about it. You’ve had a dreadful 15 years. You did your duty. You looked after your husband. And you loved him. i’m sure he would want you to find love again.

two words of caution. You are, of course, vulnerable right now, so if things don’t work out long term, do try not to be too disappointed.

Live in the here and now and enjoy this.

And second, not everyone will understand, so you might find your life will be easier if you keep it relatively quiet for now.