Ephraim Hardcastle

FeSTooneD with literary honours, edna o’Brien has been lauded for 57 years as winner of the inaugural Kingsley Amis Award for emerging novelists for The Country Girls. now it transpires there is no such award. The confusion comes from a throwaway comment Amis made when asked which books he’d enjoyed. He chose edna’s masterpiece for its ‘unphoney charm and unlaborious originality’, adding: ‘It wins my personal first-novel prize of the year.’ edna, 88, deserves all the accolades. POLYMATH Gyles Brandreth talks excitedly about rising at 6am to be a guest on Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine show, promoting his poetry anthology. ‘It was number six in the Amazon top 100 that morning,’ he gushes. ‘After the show I found it was at number 11. I should have stayed in bed.’ BRoADCASTeR Vanessa Feltz credits losing four stone after having a gastric band fitted for the rejuvenation of her sex life with partner Ben ofoedu, 47. She tells Best magazine: ‘I feel more confident in the bedroom. now I’m more like, “Where is that chandelier, let me swing from it,” – knowing I won’t break it this time.’ Vanessa, 57, please don’t share this excitement with the grandchildren! OLIVIA Colman, pictured as the Queen in The Crown, rightly chastises Charles Moore for saying she has a Left-wing face. Undaunted, the old fogey persists, saying: ‘There is something about the mouth that is not quite right. Ms Colman’s has that hint of complaint and hauteur which is such a feature of the educated Left.’ Stop digging, Charles! ARTIST Gerald Scarfe credits The eagle comic for kick-starting his career in 1952 when he won first prize in a contest to design an Ingersoll watch. And who was runner-up? Someone called David Hockney. Whatever happened to him? PRINCE Charles, attending the canonisation of Cardinal Newman in Rome, wasn’t told the Victorian prelate’s sainthood was touch and go, with the English Roman Catholic Church struggling to find two endorsable miracles. A Birmingham cancer sufferer healed after praying to Newman was about to be verified when he died in a traffic accident. Says a Birmingham Oratory source: ‘In Catholic countries it is called a miracle, in Britain it is remission.’ SKY news duo Jayne Secker and Colin Brazier bitch on air about whose turn it is to read the weather bulletin, with Colin sniping: ‘There will be a brief respite in the weather today, if not the gender wars.’ Jayne responds: ‘Is it about gender wars, or just about two people taking their turn?’ Where are the boffins from Relate when you need them? PRICKLY Dame Joan Collins, 86, snaps at Apple, tweeting: ‘I am not happy that my phone has been updated overnight without my permission. iPhone, you should have asked me. I hate this new system.’ Where’s 5G Percy when you need him?