Look who’s a scruffy boy!
NO, NOT DILYN THE RESCUE DOG — BUT BORIS THE PRIME MINISTER
Five handpicked jobs for Boris Johnson when he departs No 10: 1) Ringmaster with Peperoni’s Circus, Weston-super-Mare. 2) Door-to-door scratchcard salesman. 3) Compere of the revived gameshow 3-2-1 on daytime TV, co-starring Mark Francois as Dusty Bin. 4) President Trump’s stunt double. 5) Children’s entertainer.
Five least suitable jobs for Boris after No 10: 1) Bank manager. 2) Headteacher. 3) Lifeguard. 4) Vicar. 5) Chair of The Truth and Reconciliation Commission.
Six most likely recreations partaken by Boris with Jennifer Arcuri: 1) In-depth analysis of classic literature. 2) Technology lessons. 3) Prayer mornings. 4) Mindfulness sessions. 5) Origami. 6) Patience.
Six scruffier characters than Boris Johnson: 1) Just William. 2) Albert Steptoe. 3) Worzel Gummidge. 4) Swampy. 5) Dilyn the dog. 6) Waynetta Slob.
Seven celebrities left waiting for their invitations to Boris’s leaving do: 1) Gina Miller. 2) Polly Toynbee. 3) Rory Stewart. 4) Greta Thunberg. 5) Theresa May. 6) Sir Oliver Letwin. 7) Jennifer Arcuri.
Six actors tipped for the title role in Boris — The Movie: 1) Rab C. Nesbitt. 2) James Corden. 3) Oliver Hardy. 4) Gemma Collins. 5) Benny Hill. 6) Sid James.
Five perfect ways for Boris to relax in retirement: 1) Pik-a-Stix. 2) Solitaire. 3) Beachcombing. 4) Embroidery. 5) Twister.
Two suitable responses for Boris upon receiving an urgent phone call from Jennifer Arcuri: 1) Sorry, Jennifer who? 2) This is Boris Johnson. I’m sorry, we’re busy at the moment. Your call is important to us. Please leave a message after the beep . . .
Four most likely ways for Boris Johnson to announce his resignation: 1) Speaking live from a friend’s house, in the middle of a technology session. 2) Fronting a song-and-dance routine backed by members of Pan’s People. 3) In handcuffs. 4) At gunpoint.
Seven S unsuitable hair-dos for Boris: 1) Bouffant. 2) Skinhead. 3) Mullett. 4) Man-bun. 5) Pig-tails. 6) Mohican. 7) Perm.
Seven future career moves for Boris: 2020: Pointless Celebrities. 2021: Strictly Come Dancing. 2022: Celebrity Big Brother. 2023: I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! 2024: First Dates. 2025: The British Tribe Next Door. 2026: Naked Attraction.
Boris will know his time is up when . . . 1) He hears that his waxwork in Madame Tussauds is being melted down to make new waxworks of boyband Bros. 2) Someone tips him the wink that Dilyn the dog has been spotted having a chuckle over a coffee with Nigel Farage. 3) Dominic Cummings fails to return his calls. 4) During Cabinet, he cracks a joke and nobody bothers to laugh.
Seven key Johnson relatives: 1) Cousin Holly, the singer. 2) Uncle Linton Kwesi, the poet. 3) Auntie Lady Bird, wife of U.S. President Lyndon B. 4) Auntie Amy, the aviator. 5) Uncle Don, the actor. 6) Cousin Magic, the former basketball player. 7) Uncle Dwayne, ‘The Rock’.