Has Santa ever left sexism under YOUR XMAS TREE?
AFEW years ago there was a very funny film doing the rounds on YouTube called The Doghouse. A woman covers her eyes in anticipation of a special present from her husband. He hands it over, beaming. She rips off the paper. It is a vacuum cleaner. ‘This is my gift?’ she exclaims, in horror. ‘Yup,’ he replies, adding proudly, ‘It’s dual bag.’
Cut to husband in some kind of underground laundry penitentiary. ‘Welcome to the doghouse,’ says an older, avuncular man, handing him a towel to fold. ‘But what, why am I here, I didn’t do anything!’ protests the husband. ‘D’you hear that, guys?’ says Avuncular. ‘ Dual Bag here thinks he didn’t do anything wrong.’ Cue hollow laughter.
I imagine whoever dreamt up this Christmas’s Peloton advert is currently experiencing a similar set of circumstances. In case you don’t know, Peloton is an interactive exercise bike that allows users to stream live classes via a subscription service.
Despite the bikes being ruinously expensive (£2,000), the company was doing quite well (it counts as fans celebrities such as David Beckham and Hugh Jackman) — until, that is, almost $1.5 billion was wiped off its value.
The problem? Well, the aforementioned advert. Entitled ‘ the gift that gives back’, it features — once again — an excited woman covering her eyes in anticipation of that special something. And there it is: a Peloton bike. Only this time, instead of horror and consternation, she is filled with girlish delight. During the course of the next year, she keeps a video diary — and gives it to her husband as a way of showing her gratitude.
‘A year ago I didn’t realise how much this would change me,’ she gushes, all puppy-dog eyes and glowing skin. He gazes manfully into the distance.
Fair to say it’s not gone down terribly well with the online sisterhood. The 30- second film has been variously described as ‘sexist’, ‘ dystopian’ and ‘creepy’, a throwback to a bygone age. One American comedian, Eva Victor, has made a parody of it which ends with her serving her husband divorce papers. What was no doubt conceived as a heartwarming tale of marital devotion has ended up costing Peloton dear.
Now, my natural reaction whenever I read the words ‘online backlash’ is usually to roll my eyes. It doesn’t take much to ignite the passions of the perpetually offended.
But I have to admit even I found my feminist hackles rising when I watched the advert. It’s not just the infantilisation of a grown woman, her simpering, Stepford Wife desire to please, the passive-aggressive message, or even the fact that she’s clearly already as fit as a fiddle and doesn’t so much need an exercise bike for Christmas as a few slices of panettone.
No, it’s the complete lack of self-awareness, warmth or even humour that makes this such a dud. It’s as joyless as a vegan sausage roll.
But perhaps more importantly, it completely misunderstands the point of presents. Which is that to be successful they must be inherently indulgent, something you really want but don’t actually need — and crucially WOULD NEVER BUY YOURSELF.
And I’m afraid exercise bikes, however flashy, fall into the vacuum cleaner category. Unlike handbags, shoes, jewellery, nice stationery, perfume, antiques, any form of cashmere and all the other things that one wants in life but doesn’t not need, exercise bikes are just not suitable present material.
And, while I’m at it, neither are any of these . . .
1. Any sort of utensil, no matter how expensive. 2. Cosmetic surgery vouchers. Unless you want a scalpel in your back.
3. Any other vouchers. The only exception to this is if you have teenagers and you are a grandparent, but even then cash is preferable.
4. Gift sets. Nothing says ‘I couldn’t be BOTHERED’ more than one of those boxed tie and handkerchief sets, or a shower gel coffret.
5. Socks. We all need socks. But none of us wants to find them in our stockings.
6. Sexy lingerie. Fact: women like to buy their own lingerie, mostly because anything men buy tends to be a) about as classy as tinsel b) too small c) highly flammable and d) designed for a Pussycat Doll.
7. Improving books. Of course, in an ideal world, we’d all be delighted to receive the collected works of Milton, leather-bound. But we’d much prefer a beautiful pair of shoes. And since the boxes look very similar when wrapped, imagine the disappointment.
8. Anything you secretly want for yourself. Nope, she really does not want that 20 million piece Lego Death Star you’ve been dreaming of, or that set of golf irons.
9. Any form of anti-ageing cream EVEN IF WE ASK FOR IT. It’s a trap.
10. A Peloton exercise bike.