Today’s poem

THE SOZZLED COOK

It’s time to make the Christmas cake I have ingredients handy. I’ve currants, nuts and flour and eggs And of course — the Cognac brandy! I’ve soaked the fruit for many hours In brandy, treacle and spice, And now to add all the other delights, Oh, that brandy smells so nice! Luscious almonds from sunny Spain, Rich, dark treacle, butter and zest, It’s getting quite a job to stir But I’m doing my level best. Does brandy lose its flavour? I’ve had it quite a time. Perhaps I should have tried it first — (Slurp) — Oh, yes, that seems just fine! The cake is in the oven, The aroma’s quite divine, There’s some brandy left in the bottle And I think it’s mine . . . all mine! The time is up, the cake is cooked, Time to open the oven door. It really is quite heavy — oh heck It’s landed on the floor! Now cake and me are on the floor I need a strong man handy But here I am, all on my own — I think I need more brandy! It took a while to sort that out But the cake’s now on the table. Thank goodness I don’t have to ice it yet I do feel quite unstable (hic!) It’s stood and matured for three weeks now And with brandy I’ve been lacing, If I stand too close and take deep breaths I forget which way I’m facing! Time now for the marzipan, The icing then will follow. Boy, the strong smell of the brandy Makes my legs feel rather hollow. The icing’s looking quite a mess And it’s difficult to hide. Oops — the snowman and the Christmas tree Are sliding down the side! The whole thing’s a disaster, It’s going in the bin . . . On top of which the brandy’s done But I know where there’s plenty of gin!

Mrs Merle Harding, New Malden, Surrey.