Why I’m happy to be a middle-aged girlfriend – not a wife
WhAt a good idea that, as of this week, everyone can have a civil partnership. It feels right that all options are open to everyone.
I’ve never understood objections to same-sex marriage. Marriage is a legal commitment of fidelity, love and support — and if doing that publicly, as well as legally, is important to you, then why would anyone have a problem with that?
that said, I am equally at a loss when people question not being married, as if by not getting married you are somehow dismissing the choice they have made.
each to their own is my feeling. I’ve been with my partner for 16 years and have two children and two stepchildren and, like many of my friends, we are very happily unmarried.
I have no problem being a middleaged girlfriend with an even older middle-aged boyfriend. And I have learnt from the very best, as we live next door to the most famous happily unmarried couple — Richard Curtis and emma Freud.
Richard even jokes that he had to make the film Four Weddings And A Funeral to explain to his mother why he has never married.
there is another upside to not being married. I don’t want the attention of being a bride. I’m not a fan of the staggering, neverending self-absorption of ‘ my big day’. have you noticed how rarely you hear ‘ our big day’?
The rigmarole of getting married has got completely out of control — starting with the hen party, which has gone from a one- night gathering of female friends to a weekend, or even a week, involving expenditure on travel, accommodation and gifts.
Seriously, if you gave most women a truth drug, they would admit that being invited to a hen do always makes their heart sink.
then there is the wedding itself, with the fashion for weekendlong events, involving more travel and expense for friends and family. the endless kids or nokids debate, the finding of ‘the dress’, the decisions over flowers, invitations, menus, music, venues, the first dance and on and on and on. torture for many men and quite a few women, wedding planning leads to real conflict. So much is done with an unedifying desire to go one better than everyone else. the idea that you should start a long-term, committed relationship in this way boggles my mind. My advice to anybody planning to propose in 2020 is to say ‘will you marry me?’ and then, while they are still on a high, ‘can we do it in the next six months, with as little fuss and expense as possible?’ Don’t be bullied into spending money you don’t have on things that don’t really interest you. It doesn’t prove you love someone, and if you plan to have children, that money is so much better spent on them than on a lavish celebration.
the average cost of a wedding in the UK in 2018 was £32,273. So let’s say a really amazing night out for two costs £250 — what with babysitters, taxis, a nice dinner, good wine and a new top.
You could get 129 nights out for the same price as the average wedding expenditure — which, at one per month, will get you through to your tenth wedding anniversary.
I haven’t given the idea of a civil partnership much thought, but I can understand why it may appeal to those who don’t buy into the concept of marriage.
One day we may get married, but if we do, it will be a low-key affair. We will do it in London, where the majority of our friends live or work, last thing on a thursday, then we’ll all go to a local restaurant where supper will be on us.
But we won’t ruin anyone’s weekend, or expect them to spend any money celebrating a commitment that was made a long time ago and which is really just between the two of us.