My vision for the new me is already toast

YOU WANT: Peace on Earth. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Peace at home.

YOU GET: A pair of noisecancelling headphones.

YOU WANT: To spend more time with family and friends.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Spending a little more time with family and friends.

YOU GET: Annoyed by your nephew’s sniffing and your mother’s love of Countdown and the inability of your old friends Jeff and Angela to stop debating Brexit and you end up spending more time with total strangers.

YOU WANT: A breakfast regime of toast without butter and coffee without milk.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A breakfast regime of toast with butter-substitute and coffee with just a tiny drop of milk.

YOU GET: A full English breakfast, plus a cappuccino sprinkled with chocolate.

YOU WANT: To explore the world.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR:

Exploring the United Kingdom.

YOU GET: Four nights in a bed and breakfast, with a shared bath, on the Taunton ring road.

YOU WANT: To walk 10,000 steps a day.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Walking 2,000 steps a day.

YOU GET: The lift to the second floor.

YOU WANT: To achieve a state of mindfulness. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Not feeling quite so on edge.

YOU GET: Into trouble downloading a mindfulness app and end up thumping your fist on the table, tossing your mobile phone into the far corner of the room and screaming generalised abuse at new technology.

YOU WANT: To be more assertive.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being noticed.

YOU GET: Ignored by the barman serving drinks in the interval and end up back in the theatre without a drink, rootling around in your jacket pocket for the sucky sweet you are pretty sure you left there two months ago.

YOU WANT: To try to appreciate a broad range of points of view from a variety of people, regardless of whether or not they coincide with your own.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Watching the whole of BBC1’s Question Time without hurling the remote control at the screen.

YOU GET: Into a furious row over Brexit with an old lady in the supermarket.

YOU WANT: To stop embarrassing your children in public. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Stopping embarrassing your children in private. YOU GET: Dressed up in novelty bra-and-knickers apron, a bright red bowler hat and a pair of clown shoes and you rush out into the street to greet your children with a loud burst of ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ from Mary Poppins.

YOU WANT: To take up chess.

YOU’D SETTLE

FOR: Taking up bridge. YOU GET: Hooked on East-Enders, X Factor, Dragons’ Den, period dramas, police procedurals, Hollyoaks, Loose Women, Scandi noir thrillers and Good Morning Britain.

YOU WANT: To become a social influencer.

YOU’D SETTLE

FOR: More than 1,000 followers. YOU GET: Followed by your mother, your auntie, and the annoying girl you knew from school.

YOU WANT: To be a much better person.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being a slightly better person.

YOU GET: Livid with Greta Thunberg, cold-callers, Piers Morgan, the man across the road, the way young people can’t see what’s wrong with Jeremy Corbyn, moustaches, the person in front of you in the post office queue, Rebecca Long-Bailey, Rylan Clark-Neal, Robbie Williams, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, tattoos, the man in the blue Volvo who hogged the centre lane, Nigel Farage, Dominic Raab, the RSPB, the tall lady in accounts, the Big Issue seller who wants to sell you a new Big Issue every time you pass him, Lucy Worsley, the way TV news reporters start every sentence by saying ‘Well . . .’, everyone in your local Neighbourhood Watch, Sandi Toksvig and most Canadians.