Why a gastric band could cost you your marriage
It’s a fast way to ditch the pounds. But almost one in five who’ve tried it ends up ditching their partner, too. These very honest accounts reveal . . .
Weeks after being accepted for gastric bypass surgery, kelly Holbrook made some startling discoveries about herself.
Thanks to her drastic pre-operative diet, her 22½ stone frame was beginning to melt away. The 35-year-old businesswoman had more energy to play with her sons, aged 12 and five — and her kneecaps no longer sounded a sickening ‘crunch’ as she walked upstairs.
But as well as the obvious physical changes, kelly found she was changing emotionally, too.
Growing daily in confidence, she started attending the work meetings she’d shied away from for years. she was socialising and feeling good about herself. she also realised she wanted to leave her husband.
‘It was during group therapy — a prerequisite for patients about to undergo bariatric surgery — that I realised I no longer wanted to be with Robert*,’ says kelly, from Chipping sodbury, Gloucestershire.
‘We’d been together since I was 21, but by talking about my weight issues and my life during therapy, I realised I simply didn’t have the confidence to live my life as I wanted.
‘It wasn’t that I was particularly ‘unhappy’ in our marriage. And Robert had always been loving and supportive. It wasn’t his fault. But I had changed.
‘I wasn’t the woman he’d met 15 years earlier, who
depressed following the birth of our son.
‘He’d always tell me that he thought I’d never leave him — and he was right. I never thought I’d get anyone to look twice at me, and that was before I put on most of my weight.’
Five years after her son was born, Laura had another baby, and this time her weight rose to more than 19 stone. ‘My diet wasn’t healthy at all,’ she says.
‘I wouldn’t eat anything until around 3pm, but then I’d eat until midnight, drinking three two-litre bottles of coke every day, huge bars of chocolates, multi-packs of crisps. I’m a person of extremes and while food started off as a crutch, something to give me comfort, it turned into an addiction.
‘Even my mum was telling me I needed to lose weight, but I was in complete denial. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see someone who was fat.
‘It was my GP who said a gastric band could help and that if I didn’t lose weight soon, I wouldn’t be around to see my children grow up. My weight had gone up to 24 stone by that point and it frightened me. By that point my marriage was essentially over. My husband didn’t even seem bothered when I told him I was going to have the operation.
‘In the back of my mind I was already thinking that if I got skinny, I’d leave him.’
Laura
had a mini-loop gastric bypass, a new type of operation with fewer complications and within days, began to lose weight. ‘I couldn’t eat,’ she says. ‘I lost ten stone in just eight months. But Terry never complimented me. I kept thinking to myself: “Why the hell am I with this guy?” We were arguing and by the august, I said I needed a break.’
It was while on this ‘break’ that Laura visited a friend and met a neighbour there. ‘ His name was Paul — I said hello, and we started talking,’ says Laura.
‘I thought he was funny and friendly and yes, he was good looking, too. It suddenly dawned on me that I was having a proper conversation with someone who was taking an interest in me. He was asking me questions. I hadn’t talked properly like that with someone for years, especially not my husband. The very next day I knew what I had to do. I told Terry to go. I wasn’t about to be unfaithful with Paul, but I had the confidence now to end my marriage.
‘I wanted Terry out. He wasn’t happy, but I didn’t care. Paul and I began seeing each other and within a month, we’d moved in together. We haven’t looked back.
‘I’m under no illusion — I know my weight loss made me more attractive. Paul insists he’d have spoken to me even if I was bigger, but I’d lost ten stone by the time I met him and I don’t think he’d have looked twice at me when I was larger.’
Laura’s divorce came through in May 2015 and she is now married to Paul, 34, who sadly, is losing his sight after an accident and needs her full-time care. They have two children together and Laura says she’s never been happier.
‘From the very start, things felt different with Paul. It made me realise I didn’t need to be stuck in an unhappy relationship.
‘While I’ve still got loose skin and my body will never be what I’d like it be, I have found a lovely man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he feels the same way.’
For some people, a bariatric operation can prove even more life-changing.
ally Freegard- Gerrish, 43, lost more than ten stone when she had her gastric operation, aged 39. She left her marriage months later, but it was what happened next that has made her life complete.
‘I was always big as a child and my mum even took me to WeightWatchers when I was 13, but nothing worked and by the time I was 16 and working in a hospital, I was wearing a size 24,’ says ally, from Trowbridge, Wiltshire.
‘I was an emotional eater, always turning to food for comfort and not understanding why.
‘Steven* worked at the same hospital and I’d known him since we were at school.
‘We were both in nursing, lived at the same nurses’ home and we grew close, although there was never any romance on my part.
‘I liked him but didn’t love him, yet at my size, I never thought I’d find anyone else.
‘I was 21, and within three years we married. I wore a size 24 dress and deep down felt so unhappy, but tried to hide it for the sake of everyone else.’
Over the course of her marriage, ally’s comfort eating meant her weight increased to 19 stone, compounded by the pain of several miscarriages. She was diagnosed with asthma and Type 2 diabetes and found herself slipping into depression.
My life was out of control,’ she says. ‘Steven and I never went out. I didn’t have any friends. We worked together and lived together, but life was passing us by. Eventually it was my consultant who said I would have to have the operation, otherwise I could die.’
ALLy
had surgery in February 2015 and weight started coming off instantly. By June she was off her medication for diabetes and by august, she had left Steven.
‘as my self-esteem came back, I knew I didn’t want to be in my marriage any longer,’ she says.
‘I just couldn’t do it any more. I’d warned him before that I wasn’t happy and over the years we’d drifted apart, but we’d stayed together. I don’t think he loved me any longer and I certainly didn’t love him. By the august bank holiday, I told him I was leaving and went to live with my parents. He didn’t ask me to stay.’
The couple divorced two years later. But an even more dramatic change was to follow.
‘ In the December after my operation, my mum asked me what was the matter because I was crying a lot,’ says ally.
‘I’d always known deep down that I was gay — which probably explains why I comfort ate when I was younger — but I was terrified of coming out. I told my mum and she said; “Seriously? Is that all? I thought you were dying!”
‘Her reaction could not have been more supportive. Everyone — my mum, dad, sister and friends — have been wonderful.’
ally started dating online and met Sarah, a graphic designer, in 2016. They were married in June last year in a ceremony that ally says made her feel ‘ completely happy inside and out’.
‘after a bariatric operation you change as a person,’ she says. ‘My self- esteem is so much higher. Sarah and I go off travelling. I’ve done my first 5k run and started playing the cello again.
‘I wasted so much of my life on a marriage that I should never have been in — but it’s never too late. I feel I’ve been reborn.’ * Some names have been changed to protect anonymity.
You change as a person — I’ve done a 5km run and taken up the cello again ALLY, 43 Even before the op, I was thinking if I got skinny I’d leave him LAURA, 36