Can I bury hatchet with my sister?

DEAR BEL I’M NEWLY retired at 64, single and without children. Since I left my job last year, I’ve felt at a loose end. It hasn’t been easy being without work — many days I wonder what to do with myself.

My older sister, on the other hand, has a wonderful life. She’s married and has grandchildren and a wide social circle. At one time we were extremely close, but we fell out over our mum’s care a few years ago, and things haven’t been the same since.

We rarely speak — texting on birthdays, but that’s about the extent of our relationship.

She lives in Florida, a place I feel might be good for me, too. But I wonder about settling there considering our dynamics. I went last year to look at housing and she couldn’t have been friendlier. I saw her and her husband almost daily — they treated me to meals and she called me every day.

Once, when she was unavailable, she apologised profusely. However, she didn’t invite me to stay with them, so I stayed in a hotel. When I returned home, things went back to no contact.

I find the whole thing very puzzling. I don’t feel I could really confront her; we never spoke about feelings in my family. Our parents are dead and I have no other siblings.

Do you think it’s crazy for me to even entertain moving near her? I’m afraid I might be sorely disappointed.

Yet I can’t help thinking it would be wonderful to feel I have a sister again. And I do have the idea we might go back to how things were years ago, when we were close. RUTH

RETIREMENT brings a colossal change to anybody’s life, not just in daily routines, but in their mindset. ‘ What will I do with the rest of my life?’ is a question that haunts many people, who long to move forward in a direction as-yet unknown.

Usually, it’s impossible to fulfil dreams of living elsewhere, because family, friends and habits act as glue keeping them in one place. But that’s not the case with you.

I suspect that your admission, ‘we never spoke about feelings in my family’ is at the heart of your problem — as with many families. If people never open up — never develop intimacy, honesty and nuance in communication — in a time of stress they can suddenly spew, like a volcano erupting and causing untold damage.

That probably happened when you fell out over your mother’s care (a stressful time) and exchanged hasty, angry words.

So silence followed. Yet here we are — with you puzzled your sister was so attentive in Florida, faintly resentful that you had to stay in a hotel and clearly unable to discuss plans and your worries with your only relative. It’s very sad. But it’s also significant that you say, ‘I don’t think I could really confront her.’ Confront?

Why use such an aggressive word? It’s vital for you (and other readers) to learn that talking things through without becoming confrontational is the only way to achieve harmony. So instead of saying, ‘You never tell me what you think’, or ‘You’re never in touch’, you say, ‘I’d love to know how you feel about that’, or ‘What’s the best time to call you on the phone?’

In your case, did you cheerfully institute a weekly catch-up by email? After all, returning to non-contact was a two-way street. Presumably, you emailed to thank her enthusiastically for all her help and hospitality. Did she reply?

Did you ever ask what she thought about you moving to her neighbourhood? With her full life, your sister might have reservations in case you become needy.

But you are a sister, a sister-in-law and an aunt. So, in your place, I’d continue to research housing, but also find out about voluntary work and clubs in the area, letting your sister know what you are doing — that you plan a full, independent life.

Then make a longer trip (say a month or six weeks), renting a small apartment or bedsit (ask for her guidance) to see how you like the Sunshine State.

Then — please — break the habit of a lifetime and open your heart, sharing needs, wishes and fears. Take old photos and travel down memory lane with her. Work towards saying how sorry you were you fell out over Mum, but then move on.

I don’t think it’s ‘crazy’ for you to think of moving to Florida, but it requires much thought. And it can only happen if you shift your mindset from confrontation and suspicion and sad/bad memories — and learn to talk to that sister of yours.