I’ve found wife No 3, but is she really a scammer?

DEAR BEL, I’M 74, have been married twice, but am now divorced.

My son lives and works in another country, while my daughter lives 50 miles away, with her husband and child, aged two. Until now, we’ve had a good relationship.

Over two years, I have become very friendly with a 39-year-old lady in Nigeria — let’s call her Rosy — who has a six-year-old child. Her husband left five years ago — no support.

We didn’t meet on an internet dating site, but through a mutual friend. We started to chat and email, and enjoy each other’s company, so much so, we arranged to meet in Dubai a few months ago — and fell in love. I asked her to marry me and she accepted.

When I told my daughter and son-in-law, they were appalled and said Rosy would never be allowed in their house. They said they didn’t want me to be scammed and hurt, but I feel it’s more to do with racism and Nigeria.

I do know that Nigeria has a bad reputation for scamming people, but feel my daughter and son-in-law would be fine if Rosy was a white European.

Rosy now has a visa to come over as a tourist (paying for the trip herself), and knows the situation with my daughter. She’s disappointed, but reluctantly accepts it as a price worth paying for being with me.

My daughter is often away on business, and I have great difficulty in being able to phone — it’s always texts. I am lucky if I see her once a month. They know I’m alone and frequently lonely. Some of my good friends have died recently and (although fit and healthy) I worry that if I have a sudden health lapse, my daughter will not be available to help me.

Rosy has said she will be my rock and look after me. We talk four times a day, have become very close and want to be together.

I’m sad as I do love my family, but this is my life and know I cannot imagine it without Rosy. She misses me terribly and I want to be with her, so what are your views? ADRIAN

You put ‘ Family understanding’ as the subject of your email, but it might well have been ‘Longing for Romance.’ or ‘Fear of Loneliness’. All three are rolled into this problem, which leaves me torn.

I do understand your situation, and sympathise with your dreams of a younger, romantic companion who will stave off the loneliness, as well as possible health problems, of growing older.

At the same time, I can put myself in your daughter’s position, and share her anxiety that you are being taken for a ride by a needy (I do not say unscrupulous) foreigner, who wants British citizenship and financial security for her and her child.

It happens, Adrian, and you know that it does.

Many of us have had scamming emails from Nigeria — but I think it important to make a clear distinction between that common attempt at conning the unwary and your two-year correspondence (I like to use that old-fashioned word, although now ‘talk’ means online chat) with Rosy.

Is your daughter’s reaction to your news racist? Possibly — but possibly not. Had you been developing closeness to a lady from (say) Albania, she might feel just as wary and just as protective towards you.

No adult child has the right to dictate to a parent how he or she lives their life. on the other hand, it’s natural to feel anxiety (even frustrated hostility) if they appear to be about to make a wrong decision.

Readers will certainly be wondering if: (a) Rosy

is after your money, and (b) whether your daughter has inheritance at the centre of her concerns. That is blunt, I realise — but we need to be.

You give no information in your letter as to how you are placed financially, but if you own your home, it would hardly be surprising if your daughter (with a child of her own) would worry that a marriage could damage your future security, not to mention that of your grandchild. Selfish? Not really. Normal, I’d say.

What’s the way forward? First, a 35-year age gap may seem huge, but such marriages can work. In addition, there are cultures in which unions between older men and much younger women (in medieval England they called these January-May marriages) are quite normal. Rosy is paying for her visit, and I see no reason to think the worst of her — nor of anybody else. I like to give the benefit of the doubt — and I hope your relationship proves to be all you want.

But it would still be sensible to slow down a little.

See how Rosy’s visit goes. You’ve only met her once, and a person’s physical presence is different from online. Is she bringing her child? It’s another important consideration.

Meanwhile, send your daughter cheerful emails to keep the channels open. Before you make any marriage plans, I would consult a solicitor. I’m no legal expert, but it should be possible to ring-fence any property and savings you might have, just in case things go wrong. It is possible to be loving, but also prudent at the same time.