He had all the interest of a checkout boy ...what a fag!
Boris Johnson has been Prime Minister only six months yet already there are signs he finds PMQs a bit of a yawn. Watching him yesterday as he plonked his ungainly frame down with a giant exhale of breath, he could have been a truculent schoolboy arriving for morning chapel. Everything about his body language screamed: ‘Cor, what a fag.’
He mumbled to himself incoherently, he raked his fingers through his hair with mild impatience. occasionally, he would unsheathe a pen from his inside pocket and doodle something on the papers in his ring binder.
By the time he came to face Jeremy Corbyn, the Prime Minister might as well have been completely absent for all the interest he took in him. He looked about as engaged as a checkout boy working the barcode bleeper.
Mr Corbyn had arrived armed with a series of questions about government welfare reforms. He had unearthed a particularly rumsounding arrangement whereby workers at Greggs bakery awarded a £300 bonus only received £75 of it if they were claiming Universal Credit. All the standard dramatis personae that feature in a Corbyn rant were there: heartless Tories, rich bankers, food banks etc.
As the Leader of the opposition spoke, Boris’s eyes bobbled like ping pong balls. Judging by the way he leafed through his notes, nothing had been included in his folder about this Greggs business. All he had in his locker was a handful of positive statistics.
‘Employment is up!’ he yelled. ‘Wages are up!’ Not for the first time in his career, the PM was winging it. When Corbyn continued to press, the PM accused him of talking the country down. ‘When is he going to start recognising the extraordinary achievements of the UK economy?’
Labour’s leader seethed. ‘Wouldn’t it be truly wonderful if the Prime Minister answered a question?’ he asked. No chance of that. Boris brought up a recent poll showing Corbyn to be the most popular Labour leader among current members. ‘i want him to know those sentiments are warmly shared by many on this side of the House,’ said the PM, flashing a hippopotamus grin.
it says something for Boris’s current standing that such an obviously pre- prepared gag still attracted such loud ‘hoorays’ from the Government benches.
But come April, when a new Labour leader is announced, he will likely face far sharper arrows than the quiver of rusty blades Corbyn fires wonkily across the despatch box each week. if he shows up this light on detail to a debate with the current frontrunner, forensic ex-lawyer sir Keir starmer, he could be in knots.
NOT that SNP Westminster leader ian Blackford causes him many sleepless nights either. once again, Blackford was rabbiting on about Brexit.
‘scotland said no, and we meant it!’ he bellowed, feet spread as wide as an old ham delivering a soliloquy. Boris gently pointed out the scots voted ‘no’ to leaving the Union, and they meant that too.
‘They meant it because they were told it was once in a lifetime,’ he said, much to the Chamber’s delight. Best moment of the session came towards the end when former immigration minister Caroline Nokes (Con, romsey and southampton North) rose. Nokes was concerned about the build-up of green algae in the solent which is apparently causing planning issues for children’s homes and other care facilities to be built. The PM, she urged, needed to ‘get out his plunger’.
Amid the titters, Boris’s brow corrugated. ‘W-w-w-w,’ he stammered. ‘W-w-we will make sure that the ministerial dyno-rod is employed to sort out the blockage she is experiencing.’
Nokes shot her best saucepot smile. if she was looking to get the PM’s attention ahead of the reshuffle, it was mission accomplished.