Who will win the coveted title of *HRE?
(*THAT’S HORRIBLE ROYAL EMBARRASSMENT)
From time to time, I have embarrassed my children. After all, that is what parents are for.
We wear daft clothes, we bark unfashionable opinions; sometimes, we even dance in public. By doing all this, we perform a useful function. Without the springboard of parental embarrassment, how would any child learn how to go it alone? Even the hippest figures have been lumbered with embarrassing parents. Bob Dylan, universally regarded as the coolest man who ever lived, had a tremendously embarrassing mum. In the Eighties, the boss of Dylan’s record label, Walter Yetnikoff, observed mother and son at dinner. ‘Sitting next to Bob and his mother, I was astonished by their dialogue. The mysterious poet suddenly turned into little Bobby Zimmerman. ‘ “You’re not eating, Bobby,” said mom... ‘“Please, ma. You’re embarrassing me.” ‘“I saw you ate nothing for lunch. You’re skin and bones.” ‘“I’m eating, ma, I’m eating.” ‘“And have you thanked mr Yetnikoff for this lovely dinner?” ‘“Thank you, Walter.” ‘“You’re mumbling, Bobby. I don’t think mr Yetnikoff can hear you.”’ And so it went on, the world’s coolest man wincing and squirming as his mother nagged him in front of his friends and associates. Small wonder that Dylan had once been driven to sing ‘Come mothers and fathers throughout the land, And don’t criticise what you can’t understand.’ Was he singing aboout being forced to finish what was on his plate? But as embarrassing parents go, I think we can all agree that, however hard we may try, few of us will ever measure up to Thomas markle. No one can say mr markle doesn’t work hard at it. Barely a day goes by when he is not giving an interview, grumbling about the way meghan and Harry dislike the way he keeps on grumbling about them. These interviews are the family equivalent of performing a dad-dance in the o2 arena wearing nothing but a kiss-me-quick hat and a posing-pouch. In recent days, mr markle has told his son-in-law to ‘man up’, and has accused him of being ‘whipped’ by meghan, who ‘has turned into his mother’. Thanks, Dad! on top of all this, mr markle has accused the royal couple of being hypocrites who have been ‘embarrassing’ and ‘hurtful’ to the Queen. At least meghan can take comfort from the knowledge that the title HrE — Horrible royal Embarrassment — is one of the most coveted of all posts at the Court of St James, with a history dating back into the mists of time. Not long ago, the position was held by The Duchess of Cambridge’s racy uncle Gary who owned a house called maison de Bang Bang on Ibiza, drives a bright blue rolls-royce Phantom, and once allegedly offered undercover reporters from the News of The World a heady mixture of drugs and Brazilian prostitutes. A decade or two before Gary, the Duchess of York’s father, HrE major ron, held the chains of office, having been discovered horizontal in the Wigmore Club, ‘a health club and massage parlour’ in Central London. He later appeared with Dame Edna Everage on the West End stage, dressed up as a punk. These days, the holder of the office faces tremendous competition from within the royal Family. For the past 30 years or more, the Duchess of York has been a strong contender. She is now back in the running, with plans to sell a ragbag of merchandise — jam, jewellery, ‘luxury goods’ and so forth, under the naff umbrella title The Duchess Collection, with its even naffer slogan, ‘Entertainment, Edutainment and Lifestyle’.
SHE will also be selling towels and duvet covers under the brand ‘Alfresco’. or should that be Alf Fresco, named after her back-ofthe-lorry supplier? At the moment, The Duchess faces strong competition for the post of HrE from Princess Anne’s son Peter Phillips, and Princess Diana’s niece Lady Kitty Spencer, both of whom are hard at work selling milk to the Chinese, boasting that ‘the British royal Family’ slurps it up non-stop. Should we expect an imminent announcement from the Palace of mr markle’s appointment as HrE? or will Her majesty agree to let the current holder, HrE Prince Andrew, keep the hotly contested title for the forseeable future? Which of the two men will out-embarrass the other? Call Emily maitlis!