Why do I feel guilty about my toxic late husband?

their love. As time passes, it might be good for you to get in touch with one or two of their favourite cousins, explaining that you respect their whole family and dearly wish your children to be a part of it.

I have no idea of the ages of your children, but if they are old enough, the impetus could come from them. Slowly, slowly, some contact with members of their paternal family might be re-established.

If it is not, then I hope you have ample support from your family and friends. Your long nightmare of a marriage is over, and I trust you have the means to re-create a stable family life free from stress and financial worry.

Try to put your bad memories in an imaginary box and close the lid. You could even write a letter to your late husband, explaining how you feel, but wishing him peace, then burn it and watch the smoke drift away, quietly glad that you have your own future now.

MY LATE husband and I parted acrimoniously in 2017, after a long history of his drinking and domestic violence. When some of his financial misdeeds first came to light, his violence towards me only escalated.

He couldn’t stop drinking, and that’s what ultimately ended a long marriage. He’d also racked up ludicrous debts. Eighteen months later, he died suddenly from an alcohol-related illness. My three children had not seen him for months.

My problem concerns my ex-husband’s parents. While I can understand his mother’s anger towards me and her deep sadness over her loss, the children and I have found it hard to deal with their nastiness.

They totally stripped his flat of all possessions, which they refused to return. No one has contacted the children, despite the fact that some cousins came to our house the weekend after his death.

Since his passing I have been through his bank statements and found very high credit card spending — as much as £10,000 in one month. He also put a car purchase on the mortgage without telling me. I feel very sad at his death, but I’m also angry that I am left with these bad memories.

I feel most of my marriage was a complete sham — given that much of what he did financially is a complete mystery to me and led to suffering for the children, both when he was alive and now. They know his shortcomings but still love him — and I respect that.

I’d be very grateful for advice as I am racked by feelings of guilt complicated by anger. This is very hard on the children, especially given the estrangement from their paternal family. JASMEEN

You have had so much to contend with — and, without going into detail, I suspect some of the customs and expectations within your particular cultural tradition might have made things worse for you.

That said, this devastating and confusing cocktail of grief, guilt, disappointment and rage is not uncommon, and knows no national or cultural boundaries.

Your mention of ‘guilt’ is interesting — given that most women would think such a toxic marriage had to be ended. I suspect you held out for quite a long time, in spite of your husband’s behaviour, because you believed in the institution of marriage. Did you also fear the shame of separation?

Many of us invest a huge amount of energy, hope, expectation and pride in our marriages — quite apart from the love, which (ideally) kicks the whole thing off. It is hard and painful to acknowledge the end of all that.

In addition, you had to bear the knowledge that your husband’s family was furious with you for shaming him in public (by choosing to end the marriage) — an anger that was later compounded by shock and grief when he died.

It seems ironic, as well as tragic, that your husband has left the two women who mattered most in his life ( his mother and you) each afflicted by a similar mixture of anger, grief and shame.

of course, his mother blames you for ending the marriage. But, deep down, perhaps she is also mortified by her son for the behaviour which led to that outcome.

Such a feeling would be hard, if not impossible, for her to admit. Because of that, her anger with you is redoubled — and somehow your poor children have been made to pay the price as well.

What can you do? only move forward with your children, doing the best for them — and never criticising their father in their hearing.

I admire your respect for