I yearn to be in my daughters’ lives

I AM 79, widowed with two daughters and four grandchildren. My husband’s death was quite sudden, and I admit I did not cope very well with the loss. We had been married 54 years.

My elder daughter (for reasons known only to herself) decided to sever all ties with me, so I lost not just my husband but my daughter as well. My younger daughter leads a very busy life and, last time we spoke on the phone, she said: ‘I’m busy this weekend. Hope the morphine helps!’

I’m housebound, needing replacement hips and knees. The morphine is for the chronic pain of arthritis.

Her next contact was an email, advising me of a ‘helping hands’ company — where you pay a stranger to help you get in and out of the bath. I try not to think what would happen if I had a stroke or dementia, and take my hat off to the 600 people a day, who (according to Carers UK) leave their jobs because of their caring role.

That email was in November. Since then, Christmas and New Year passed . . . and still I’ve not heard from my daughters. How many other lonely pensioners had cheese and biscuits for Christmas dinner? So which is worse — chronic pain or loneliness? Neither. It’s the feeling there is nobody who cares.

The sad thing is things can never be the same again. I will never forget Christmas 2019. It is still with me. Now my message to my daughters is this: I don’t want to take over your lives — I just long to be a part of them. LEONORA

Even though I understand how complicated and stressful family life can be, I simply do not understand this cutting off of the old. I’m not sentimental, nor do I deny some people can become extremely difficult as they age. It’s just that (unless abuse is involved), I believe in the golden rule of treating others as we ourselves would wish to be treated.

Here, we glimpse just one side of a triangle — the other two in shadow. It could be that your elder daughter perceives neglect by a mother too focused on her husband, and the younger might complain of too many demands from a grieving mother, until she simply had to step back. Who knows what the truth is?

You recognise your elder daughter must have had reasons to sever contact with you after the death of her father — and I can’t help wondering whether, in your heart, painful though it may be, you do have an inkling why. Some actions seem mysterious and yet can, with effort and pain, generally be traced back to a source that may be long distant.

It sounds as if you might have had a breakdown after your husband’s death, and are still reeling to find yourself alone. Whatever the family dynamics were — Was your late husband close to your daughters? Were you involved with those four grandchildren . . . or not? — you are left having to face cruel isolation when in such poor health.

The immediate issue is surely what you can do to make your life better.

Obviously, the first thing would be to somehow have regular contact with your daughters. I fear you may have focused so much on the younger (given your estrangement from the elder) that she is rendered inadequate by guilt. We are all ‘busy’, after all. But your throwaway remark about carers, and your irritated dismissal of her suggestion about the ‘ helping hands’ company, suggest that you are angry as well as sad.

If your younger daughter has picked this up, she will be all the less likely to visit. I’m not condoning — I’m explaining.

Your letter is handwritten, indicating limited access to the internet ( despite that email). Therefore, I suggest you first call essex County Council Adult Social Care, on 0345 603 7630 (8.45am to 5pm), to organise a care needs assessment. Then Basildon Community Transport Services (01268 465 858) may be able to help you feel less isolated. And why not get in touch with Age UK Befrienders (01268 525 353) to see if they can help?

I can almost hear you protesting that you want your daughters’ attention, not that of others. But please realise that the kindness of strangers can be a glorious force for goodness — and even make up for family neglect.

If you can put some services in place to help, you will have something to tell your younger daughter about.

You could write her a bravely cheerful (yes, I know . . . but

try) letter saying how much you would love to be in touch with her sister again, and can she help?

If you feel that there are things to explain, then do so, always remember that it is far better to explain than complain, and to approach rather than reproach. Many families forget how to talk to each other, but it’s never too late to start.

And if any readers in essex are interested in volunteering, go to ageuk. org. uk/ essex/ get-involved/volunteer/homebefriender. Maybe you can help ‘Leonora’.