Why not give yourself another year?

STEPH SAYS:

YoUR letter has confused me, so it must be confusing you even more. on the one hand, I’ve always said that when you meet the one, you know — and very quickly. so my reaction would hardly be that you are rushing into this commitment.

But that doesn’t mean you aren’t. And I’m hearing an element of doubt in your letter.

You talk about this chap ‘mentioning marriage’ after three months as if it was something you hoped for. In truth, it feels very hasty to be committing to another marriage so soon after the end of your first one.

The most important thing is for you to be brutally honest with yourself now. After your divorce, you say you were looking for a bit of fun by meeting new people online, and enjoying the freedom. But are you sure? After spending two decades married, it’s not easy to switch to being single.

You’ve had 21 years of sharing the load emotionally, physically and financially. It can be daunting to be alone again. many people are simply not suited to it — and there is no shame in that. managing life is easier with the right person at your side. But it has to be the right person. And that’s the hard part.

so I think you should explore your reasons for wanting to share yourself, and your life, when you’ve only just divorced.

Is it because you can’t bear the thought of being apart from your wonderful new man? or is it because you want to be married? Is it because, deep down, you don’t want to be single?

I ask this because it could be that your children are being difficult teenagers, or that they don’t like their stepfather-to-be, but it could also be because they sense some hesitation in you.

Find your own truth, and if you feel — in fact, if you know — he is the love of your life, fine. If not, slow down, take a breath and see how you live with a partner as opposed to a husband.

Your children’s hearts are too precious to break, and if they are opposed to this marriage simply because of the speed of it, then make a compromise and give everyone more time.

You’re 54 with a family, so it’s not as if you’re rushing to get married before having kids.

You’re planning to get married in the summer — that’s in no time at all. Please give yourself some more time. sit down as a family with your husband-to-be and your sons, and talk. Answer any questions they have and perhaps settle on getting married next summer instead.

That way you can start your next marriage on solid ground with your children cheering you on. How joyful that will be!