My father didn’t invite me to his!

DOM SAYS:

I’m so pleased to hear that, after a disastrous marriage, you’ve found mr Right.

You have clearly shouldered a great deal in your time as a longsuffering spouse, so I applaud you for this, and for having found your way to a happier place. To have found love again in your 50s is a splendid thing, and I’m delighted to hear you are content in your new relationship.

I am sorry, however, to hear that your family are throwing a spanner in the works.

I often hear of cases like this — although it’s normally parents who threaten to muck up their child’s nuptials, not the other way around. For example, a mother-of-the-bride may refuse to come to the wedding because her ex-husband is going to be there, or the groom’s mother is getting too good a seat.

Those issues are tiresome and stressful, but arguably easier to deal with because, while family strife is always tough, problems with your children are harder.

I have some experience of this situation, as I was not invited to my father’s second wedding. my sister was, and while I didn’t care much at the time — my relationship with my father was not close then — I look back now and think I should have been given the chance to attend.

Back then, my perspective was that my father’s marriage had precisely nothing to do with me. And I suggest your sons borrow a leaf from my book.

It’s not the same, of course — far from leaving them out, you are distressed at their refusal to celebrate with you — but I think they need to understand your new relationship is between you and your fiance alone. It is time for them to butt out.

If they are worried your marriage plans are too quick, point out that many happy couples knew they’d found the one early on. I knew at three months. And to get engaged after a year is a cause for celebration, not suspicion.

You’re in your mid-50s — you know what is right for you. Your boys are being protective, which is well-meaning, but misguided.

I wonder if your ex-husband might be the fly in the ointment. Has he grown more angry and depressed after a divorce? Is it possible he has threatened to stop speaking to your sons if they support your new marriage?

Perhaps try to get to the bottom of their antipathy. And then flip it. Tell them they’re your babies and it will make you very sad if they don’t come, but that you respect their decision. Then plough on. Your wedding is just like your marriage — it’s about you and your husband. Everyone else is just a guest.