How can I stop this abusive woman?
DEAR BEL, I HAVE found out today my brother’s girlfriend has been abusing him for the past few months.
She’s banned him from seeing his old friends, going out without her and doing anything without her approval.
If he doesn’t answer the phone when she calls, she will call him ten to 15 times in a row until he picks up. She expects him to buy her expensive presents he can’t afford ( like unbelievably expensive designer handbags).
He buys her the expensive gifts by getting personal loans, then begs me for help with his phone bill. I thought she was just using him for money and would eventually leave him when she burned through every penny he had. Now I have also found that she physically abuses him.
I’m in utter despair. I don’t know how to help him. I’ve tried talking, but he just sits there in silence. He has come home covered with bite marks, bruises, fingernail scratches. And yet he still goes back to her.
I have thought about giving her hell, but realise this will just push him further away.
What do I do? He’s my little brother and I’ve been looking after him ever since I can remember — university problems, money problems . . . you name it, I’ve always fixed it for him. But now I feel helpless. NATASCHA
ALTHOUGH your email is distressing to read, I am grateful for this chance of highlighting here a very real problem in society — the mental and physical abuse of men. It was the subject of an excellent recent article by tanith Carey in Femail magazine (January 29: hidden shame of the men abused by the women they love) which I strongly recommend you find online, to help you understand a little more.
Although it’s inconceivable to somebody outside why any person (male or female) would remain in an abusive relationship, it happens all the time.
the number of domestic attacks carried out by women have more than tripled in a decade. In the year ending March 2019, an estimated 786,000 men suffered domestic abuse, yet men are three times less likely to report their abuse to anyone. Why?
Shame is one obvious reason — as well as the utter demoralisation of a person dominated by a controlling partner. Yelled at, abused, subjected to all sorts of orders and restrictions, they believe they are worthless.
You say you have always looked after your younger brother — and this is not the time to stop. It’s vital not to isolate him still further. It doesn’t sound as if he is living with this woman yet, so I hope you have many opportunities to talk to him.
he needs to be made to see that this relationship is coercive and damaging, but this might take time and needs to be approached with care.
My advice is to contact the charity Mankind Initiative (mankind.org.uk). they have an excellent website, which you should study thoroughly. their list of psychological control symptoms will seem familiar to you. the helpline (01823 334244) is for male victims, but I am sure you will find helpful advice on the whole site — and seek the opportunity to look at it with your brother.
Immediately, you should stop being the Bank of Sister. About that you can be pretty blunt — asking why he thinks you should help fund the girlfriend’s selfishness.
he must know you disapprove of her (a normal response in families, after all) and I don’t see why you should hide it.
But you’re right: confronting her would be a step too far. Does he have a close male friend you could take into your confidence? It is vital that those who care about him are ready to support him, in the hope that he will soon be able to break this woman’s appalling hold over him.