An affair is an affair: don’t do it!

DOM SAYS:

Firstly, i’d like to say thank you for your letter — i’m sure it took bravery to write in. And i’m sorry to hear that you’re unsure about how to proceed. this is a very tricky problem, although one aspect of it is, to me at least, very simple.

it seems as if you’re asking us for permission to be unfaithful to your wife. if that is the case, then i’m not sure you’ll like my answer, because i’m afraid i would never be an advocate for infidelity.

When you got married you made vows to your wife that you would remain faithful to her.

Marriage is a choice, and it doesn’t matter if you marry a man or a woman, if you choose to get married, you choose to commit to your spouse for the rest of your life.

i have no problem with people exploring their sexuality, but if you choose to be married then i believe you should honour the commitment you made to be faithful to that person.

An affair is an affair is an affair. it matters not one jot if it’s an affair between two men — it’s still an affair. it seems as if you’re trying to minimise what a betrayal this would be by talking about it just in terms of an occasional trip to the rugby. But a fling is not a harmless thing, or a bit of a thrill. it’s the breaking of your marriage vows.

that said, please don’t feel that i am unsympathetic to your dilemma. i suspect that the truth runs a bit deeper than your letter, and that you are, in fact, struggling with your sexuality. i think you have to be honest with yourself about it.

My advice would be to find a counsellor who you trust and talk through this issue and really explore your feelings about your sexuality. take the time you need to truly figure out who you are and what you want.

look into your heart and your soul and respect what you find there. if you discover that you want to pursue a relationship with a man then you must follow that route — i’m sure, in the long run, you’ll have the support of your friends and family.

Honesty is so important. if your truth lies somewhere other than with your wife, then do the decent thing and tell her.

Go into a new phase of your life openly, deliberately and wholeheartedly. tell your friend that you need time to come to your decision but that, either way, a clandestine affair is unlikely to make anyone happy in the long run.