There’s more to this than just a fling

STEPH SAYS:

i coMMend you for having the courage to write in. i am so glad you felt you could share your story with us. When people sit down to write they start a process — the act of committing thoughts to paper (or screen) marks the start of a journey. seeing your feelings in writing is the moment you accept your own truth. And i don’t think it’s a journey that should be rushed. this is a serious choice you are about to make, one which will change not only your life, but that of so many others.

in your letter you admit you want to meet your old university friend and that you know he is looking for a physical relationship, much like the one you had years ago. so you are confirming that you wish for this to be a physical relationship, too.

you ask if this is fair on your wife, and the simple answer is ‘no’. i believe you know this too. it would be cheating and there is nothing fair about this.

But the real question here is one about your sexuality. i think it’s time for you to do some soulsearching. one technique i believe helpful is to imagine your life from now on as a film — what do you expect to happen next?

if anything were possible, then what would you like to see on screen? How does this film play out and how does it end? do you see yourself with your wife? or with a man?

i say ‘a man’ not ‘the man’ as i don’t get the impression you have been longing for your exlover in particular, or that you were bereft that you lost touch.

one thing i do wonder is, does your wife know about your previous relationship? if she does, were you planning to tell her you were going to go away with your former lover, or were you going to lie? obviously this is the point of your letter — do i speak the truth or do i hide my wishes from my family?

if your wife does now know about your previous relationship, this will be a hard truth for her to hear. she may well be able to see herself living with a man who has a homosexual fling occasionally, but that is her decision. And she deserves to make it for herself.

in the short-term my advice is to tell your friend that trips away together are not a good idea. then i think you should spend some time figuring out how your want that film to play out. there is so much support out there from professionals — i urge you to access it.

you deserve to live a life where you are true to yourself, but be careful to protect those whom you love from getting hurt in the process.