Eat to beat a broken heart

The pain of grief or the agony of divorce can destroy anyone’s appetite - yet food holds the key to recovery, says nutritionist JANE CLARKE

Five years ago, i lost a close friend to cancer. i’d cared for him as a friend and as a nutritionist, and his death traumatised me. My feelings were complicated, too, by the sense that as ‘just’ a friend, i didn’t have the right to grieve so powerfully.

But i did, and that raw loss rocked my body in ways i hadn’t imagined.

The novelist Barbara Taylor Bradford revealed in inspire recently that she lost 22lb after the death of her husband, and i understand why. As i experienced the painful loss of my friend, i was astonished by how physical my grief felt. i couldn’t eat as my stomach was so knotted; even opening my mouth and contemplating chewing was too much.

All i wanted was to have liquids — drinks that i could just sip and, hopefully, mouthful by mouthful, would banish the sick feeling and bring me some strength again.

it’s a similar experience for those going through any sort of heartbreak. if you’re experiencing an acrimonious break-up or divorce, you may well find your appetite disappears.

i’ve been a nutritionist for 30 years and have been awarded an honorary doctorate for my work nourishing the unwell and vulnerable. i established the first private dietitian practice in the UK, and in my clinic i’ve looked after many patients during the final weeks of their lives.

i’ve also cared for their families, too — parents whose child has died of cancer, older people coping with the loss of their lifelong companion, or newlyweds with their marriage cruelly cut short by a sudden death.

i’ve seen people unable to eat, their appetite robbed by heartbreak and sadness, and i’ve helped them find their way through loss and back to food, and the physical and emotional nourishment it provides.

But losing my friend was the first time i’d experienced it for myself, and it inspired me to devise a range of recipes, a new range of natural organic meal replacement drinks, and map a clear pathway for others whose appetites have been affected by grief or heartbreak …

HOW HEARTBREAK AFFECTS OUR BODY

OUr gut is known as our body’s ‘second brain’ so it makes sense that our emotions affect our appetite and digestion. We sense it instinctively when we feel knots in our stomach, when our tummy churns or we feel nauseous when we’re nervous.

When you’re grieving, you may literally feel like your heart is aching, you have a lump in your throat, or you struggle to sleep — feeling both wired and exhausted at the same time.

These aren’t symptoms to shrug away. Studies show that grief increases inflammation in our body, which is linked to higher risk of cardiovascular problems and chronic diseases such as cancer. it lowers our immunity, making us more vulnerable to infection (the older we are, the more we’re affected).

Loss of appetite causes unwanted weight loss and can leave us malnourished at a time we need the energy to cope with emotional loss and all the practicalities around bereavement.

it’s easy to fall into a vicious cycle of the less we eat, the less we want to eat. When we don’t fuel our body, lack of blood sugar messes with our brain chemistry and fogs our thoughts, leaving us spinning in grief.

From my work with patients, i see that grief hits when we are often already very vulnerable. When we are caring for a person, we often neglect our own wellbeing, so that when they pass away, all our reserves are gone.

So, at a time when we most need resilience and energy, our body has nothing to fall back on.

THROW OUT THE RULE BOOK

ThiS isn’t a time to have hard and fast food rules; you need to be kind to yourself, while also trying to find a way to give your body the nourishment it needs.

Warm foods feel comforting and are easier on the gut than raw salads, while moist, soft meals seem to slip past that emotional ‘lump in the throat’ more easily than anything too heavy that you need to chop up and chew.

Try a small bowl of vegetable soup, which will be packed with vitamins and minerals.

You need protein to help give you strength and balance blood sugar to help you feel more resilient, so make the soup with a protein-rich stock, such as chicken, and stir in cream or shave some Parmesan on top to enrich it.

Or poach a chicken in stock with plenty of winter vegetables, so you have a pot of warming goodness on hand whenever you need a boost. This is the sort of dish those kind friends keen to help can make for you.

QUICK AND EASY ISN’T THE ANSWER

iT cAn be tempting to replace healthy food with the type of fast fixes that quickly fill a hole in our appetite — but these won’t help in the long run.

Snacking on crisps and chocolate, ready meals and other processed foods leads to a roller coaster of sugar highs and lows that sends our energy and mood crashing when we’re already struggling emotionally. existing on caffeine, too, can make us feel jittery and anxious.

That doesn’t mean we have to worry about any ‘clean eating’ nonsense. if you’re craving something sweet, try to have natural unrefined sugar partnered with protein and fat to slow down the absorption of sugar into your bloodstream. A couple of sticky, toffee-like medjool dates with walnuts is perfect.

if you’re craving something savoury, don’t reach for crisps. The fat and flavourings in them can overload your liver and aggravate a sensitive, griefstricken gut, making you feel shattered as your body diverts blood from your limbs towards your stomach to try to digest these difficult foods.

Too much fat can also aggravate irritable bowel syndrome, which is often worse in times of stress and grief, making you feel bloated and even less like eating.

if you need a coffee to help you get through the day, serve it with warm milk as it adds fat and protein to the mix that will soften the effect of the caffeine.

Or opt for a cup of tea, which is more gentle on the body.

THOSE TRICKY FIRST FEW WEEKS

in the first stages of grief or divorce, the trauma can cause a surge of ‘fight or flight’ hormones, tipping the body into ‘catabolism’ — when it begins to break down the muscles, causing weakness, weight loss and that shocking gaunt look we sometimes see.

including protein-rich foods

such as eggs and chicken help to cushion this effect and protect the muscles.

the heartbreak can also make it feel as if our gut is churning, or make foods we usually eat without a problem suddenly hard to digest, leading to nausea or bloating.

In this situation, it’s wise to reduce the amount of fibre in your diet, so you’ll need to avoid wholemeal bread, brown rice and pasta, raw fruit and vegetables, pulses and nuts for a while.

a creamy risotto will be gentle on your stomach. and root veg such as carrots, parsnips and potatoes can be slow-cooked so they’re wonderfully soft. Or add lamb shanks and herbs for a meltin-the-mouth stew.

THE SECRET TO A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP

SLEEP can be hard to come by when we feel bereft and sad, or we wake up in the night with our mind racing.

Before going to bed, have a snack of a banana, or a cracker with peanut or almond butter, as these foods contain magnesium which can aid sleep.

a chamomile tea or lavender milk (made by steeping lavender flowers in warm milk then sieving) before bed can also help you to nod off.

THE CHALLENGE OF EATING FOR ONE

FOOD and feelings have a tendency to be complicated, but grief and divorce can throw guilt and loneliness into the mix, making mealtimes even harder.

My clients often tell me they feel they ‘don’t deserve to eat’ now their loved one has gone, or they can’t face eating alone. One patient, a young mum whose daughter died, struggled to cook anything that reminded her of her daughter, and even to eat before 5pm, as that’s when they would always have their tea together.

We found a new routine that enables her to eat later, and not at the table they had shared, but that still provides the nourishment she needs to make her way through each day.

after a break-up, the challenge may be continuing to cook for your family when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

But for many people, the issue is cooking and eating for one after the death of a partner. You may want the comfort of the familiar routine, or eating the same foods at the same table may be too painful to contemplate.

You may want to take favourite ingredients and use them in a different way, so they’re reminiscent of the meals you shared without the emotional wallop that comes with recreating them — a breakfast frittata made with little cubes of bacon and tomatoes, instead of a Full English. Or a simple Bolognese sauce with pasta instead of lasagne.

taking a mindful approach to eating can be helpful, so you could really concentrate on the flavours, aromas and look of the meal in front of you to give your mind a rest from the repetitive circling thoughts associated with grief.

and as bereavement can be associated with social isolation, it can be good to find ways to eat with others — at a bereavement group, with friends or at a ‘chatty café’ where people are encouraged to talk to others (see thechatty

cafescheme.co.uk to find one near you). Or you could just sit in a cafe so you are among others, even if you don’t want to talk.