Are my in-laws awful?

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE been widowed for over ten years and have two grown-up sons. The youngest is to marry this year — a long flight away. Despite my attempts to stay in contact with my late husband’s family, they don’t bother, yet my son has invited them all to the wedding. Only one cousin has accepted. I pointed out the costs involved in the trip, but he knows they have money. I asked one of my in-laws to inquire about the invitation, but she doesn’t want to get involved. I am at a loss. My son says he’s embarrassed by the fact they don’t reply; sometimes I feel he thinks I am to blame. Just after my husband’s death, I took his family on a lovely holiday on the understanding they would pay for some of the meals. They didn’t. I never said anything, but I was annoyed. So maybe this is all my fault.

STEPHANIE

IT SOUNDS (from your clearly expressed guilt) as if you did make it obvious to your in-laws that you resented their lack of sharing ten years ago. You might not have spoken a word on the subject, yet injured silence can be far more eloquent than shouting.

Whatever happened on that holiday, it was all a long time ago, at a painful period when the absence of your late husband must have loomed large for you all. You would all have needed mutual understanding, so it’s sad the feeling of estrangement grew.

But it did. now, I honestly don’t see why who is or is not attending your son’s wedding should cause you this stress. If people have been discourteous, you can’t do much about it. A wedding on another continent will inevitably mean many noshows, because of the time, as well as the money, involved. You’ve explained this to your son and he must surely understand.

You could send a note to each of the invitees saying you hope they can come, as you are so looking forward to celebrating with them. Make it true in your heart as you write the words. After that . . . well, your son is a grown man, so you must leave it to him and his fiancee to deal with. Start planning your own trip.