I met a girl online: is it too soon to talk about marriage?

DEAR BEL,

I AM on a dating website with the aim of finding a partner who, in time, will become my wife.

Just before Christmas I received a message from a girl who lives many miles away. We exchanged messages and photos, then our telephone numbers.

We seemed to be getting along well — she even said she’d be willing to relocate to my town. Sometimes she’d call me at work and we phoned nearly every night and sent messages.

But I made the mistake of searching for her on one social media platform and she didn’t like that. She asked if I was ‘stalking’ her. The following day my apology was not acknowledged when we spoke.

For four weeks our communication became almost non-existent, though I’d try topics and sometimes get a cool, reserved response — even hinting she does not want to leave her family and relocate.

Most of my friends say my relationship with her is on its last legs and I should let her go — but I’m struggling to do so.

One friend suggested I should message her and say that I am willing to travel and take her out. Another friend believes me saying I am fond of her and missed her company put me in a weak position. He reckons she’ll take full advantage and if we got married, and that our marriage would not last more than a year.

Two weeks ago, we had a long talk. She’s waiting until we go on a date before she decides where our relationship is going. She is still keeping her cards close to her chest. I’m trying very hard to build bridges and take our communication to the same level it used to be. I’m worried we will drift apart.

While I was on good terms with her, she did mention the difficulty of longdistance relationships.

Right now, it’s me who is keeping this friendship/relationship alive. I’m not sure how much longer I should give it.

Am I over-thinking the situation and being overwhelming?

I’m utterly confused — unsure whether or not she is interested in making this friendship/ relationship work. In your opinion, is it dead or just dying?

If the latter, how do I resuscitate our bond and what key points do I need work on so I don’t lose her? I can’t believe how she turned from being so warm to be so cold. Her feelings can’t have changed so quickly.

SAM

Since i only have space here for less than half your original letter, i know enough to feel equally sympathetic and exasperated. So my answer will first be general, then specific.

Let’s start by clarifying the timeline. You were contacted by this lady through the dating site not long before christmas. Two weeks into January you fell out over your ‘stalking’ mis-step.

Your efforts at communication met with scant success until ten days ago — and this girl of your dreams you have never met is cool and reserved and you are bitterly confused and disappointed.

now, this is the question i’m compelled to ask all those who place such faith and hope in dating sites: in what universe can such a pitiful account of distant, brief interaction between two strangers be called a ‘relationship’?

What needy illusions lead a young woman to mention ‘relocating’ after merely talking on the telephone to a man five hours away — and him to mention marriage?

Dating websites can be very useful and i know they have led to marriage.

naturally, older people like me

are more used to the idea of meeting a partner through college or work or social life, but we can’t close our minds to more up-todate methods.

What we can say is that you simply cannot call it a ‘ relationship’ or ‘bond’ when you have never even met.

you both went far too fast, and then when you messed up over social media, she did a swift U-turn.

I’m sorry, but I believe she was only exercising common sense. you were much too keen and you are still much too keen — and therefore doomed to disappointment. All those who put their faith in dating sites should be wary. They have limitations.

Now here comes the part specific to you. your mention of marriage seemed strange and unusual — and it turns out that you are obeying what is a deep, cultural and religious imperative.

Not for you the rather sleazy ‘swipe right’ and ‘hook-up’ habits of Western youth; you are a serious young man with ‘ old school traditional values’ and a sincere wish to go on a religious pilgrimage with your future wife one day.

But you two live at opposite ends of England, so this one is a non-starter.

you should stop contacting her, because it’s a waste of time and she might soon consider it harassment. Leave her alone to message somebody near where she lives, just as you should do. Try to meet somebody local within your faith group so that you can date and see how you get on.

A real relationship requires understanding tone, expression, body language; it needs familiarity, teasing, shared tastes and good conversation, built up over many meetings.

you sound like a sincere, potentially deeply caring guy who has a good chance of making somebody very happy.