A stroke’s turned my husband into a vile monster

DEAR BEL,

I AM at my wits’ end and do not know how to deal with my husband since his stroke last year.

While he denies his minor physical issues are due to the stroke, the real problem lies with his personality. The stroke caused damage to the part of the brain which governs ‘executive skills’ and the ability to understand that certain behaviours are unacceptable.

It was clear he was ‘different’ after the stroke. I hoped things would improve but, at an awkward weekend at our son’s, my husband dominated conversation and overruled all attempts to change the subject.

My son said it’s like ‘the filters are off’. My husband also made derogatory comments about me, followed by nasty laughter. A couple of my husband’s friends suggested therapy. You can imagine how that went down.

He’s continuously nasty about my cooking — as never before. There were lots of memory lapses (bathroom fan not turned off, car left running on drive, side door to our home left wide open), and a confidential chat with one of his friends revealed that his appalling, embarrassing behaviour has been noticed by others. And I’m also subjected to a continual barrage of racist, sexist, fascist outbursts.

If I counter the remarks, I’m accused of arguing. If I say I’m simply expressing a different point of view, that lights the blue touchpaper. On one occasion he told me I should be ‘very afraid’ of what he was capable of.

This morning, I was subjected to a tirade over a triviality.

I asked why everything had to be so aggressive, why he could not speak pleasantly. I was told I was the aggressor; that he had no communication problems with anyone else — which is untrue. He then stormed off saying he’d never speak to me again.

Half an hour later, you’d think nothing had happened. I’ve spoken to my GP, who told me that, even if my husband’s own GP notices some of his personality changes, nothing can be done unless my husband agrees he needs help or accepts that his behaviour needs modifying. How can I live like this?

I don’t know how to leave him, even though I hate him and cannot stand being in his company. SARAH

This is an appalling situation, and you have all my sympathy. Mood changes are common after a stroke and, sometimes, people’s personalities can alter very much for the worse.

it could be because, deep down, they know they are impaired (even if they deny it, as many people with dementia do, too), and what they are actually expressing is rage and frustration about the after-effects of the stroke. horrible for everybody.

To know that is no consolation when the person you are living with is vile to you and you feel that is not what you signed up for when you got married.

Yet, sometimes, it might help you a little bit if you just leave the room (always walk away from aggression), take some long deep breaths and tell yourself that when he had that stroke, an unpleasant stranger entered his body — but that the man you married is still there, too. it’s a terrible tussle between good and bad.

i’m sure you know all about the stroke Association. it operates a helpline (0303 3033 100; for opening hours see stroke.org.uk) and has two really useful leaflets for carers, which you can download.

i would also sign up to its online

community My Stroke Guide. In addition, take a look at flintrehab. com/ 2019/ mood- swings- afterstroke for some interesting thoughts on how to cope.

The more we know about any given situation, the more readily we are able to deal with it.

Imagine it as drawing a map to show you new routes through this unknown land and, when you feel lost, assailed by hostile forces, ring the Stroke Association and tell them what’s going on. Or call the Samaritans (116 123) if you feel despair.

At present, you are enduring one of the greatest tests of any marriage and so it might be worth contacting Relate ( relate.org.uk) if you really do feel that you ‘hate’ your husband and need to talk to somebody about what’s going on.

I hope you are in regular contact with your son and can share all these woes with him.

If the day dawns when you really do want to walk out of your marriage, then you will need your son’s support — and so will your husband.

It’s vital at this stage that you don’t feel alone, so please don’t hesitate to contact friends, family and strangers, so you have a good support network.