Dead against it? Then set her free

DOM SAYS:

WELL, this is a tricky one. I’m so sorry for you that your wife has totally changed her mind about something so fundamental — a

volte-face of this magnitude is really rather against the rules.

But, having said that, the decision on whether or not to have children is a huge one. It’s completely life- changing and not one to be taken lightly.

You are 50 and 40 respectively, so no spring chickens. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, of course, but just that you should really know your minds at this point. And you should be really sure that you have the energy and wherewithal to properly care for, and to enjoy caring for, a baby.

If you’re not convinced you want to be kicking a football around a field in five years’ time, then you need to think again.

The same, of course, goes for your wife. You mention that her friend has had a baby and that has made your wife’s broodiness peak. Might you suggest she goes and stays with her friend for a week or so to help out? It could well be that the reality of being woken up constantly and the stress of caring for a tiny child might put her off.

It may not, but she should be really sure she truly wants a child and is not just dazzled by the upsides she sees.

The problem, really, is that this is rather binary. One can’t be a bit pregnant, after all.

On the face of it, it seems that if you say yes, you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life, and if you say no, your wife will be miserable for the rest of her life. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

So I think what you must first do is to find out just how serious your wife is — and just how deep your antipathy to becoming a father runs. If you are really dead set against it, and she feels that she really needs to become a mother, then you must set her free to find someone else to have a baby with.

This won’t be easy, but if she really believes she will never be happy without a child, then you must let her try to fulfil that dream.

If she isn’t sure about her decision, then encourage her to go to counselling. There are professionals with decades of experience of dealing with this problem. I suspect it’s more common than one might think.

If you decide you can’t bear to lose her and cave in, then do so with good grace. Make your peace with it, because a child will always come first and Daddy second ( in Daddy’s eyes as much as Mummy’s!).

And quite right, too. Don’t do it if you think that’s not for you.