You have every right to be angry

STEPH SAYS:

FIRSTLY, I’d like to say thank you for having the courage to share your problem. I’m sure a lot of men have been in your shoes, and I think you have every right to feel as you do. Changing the goal posts on this important issue feels deceitful.

Both of you did the right thing by discussing it at length before walking down the aisle, as I think every couple should, especially those in their 30s and 40s.

The reality is that, at this stage in a woman’s reproductive life, there isn’t time to waste. And just as it’s wrong for a man to string along a woman who wants children with a vague promise of ‘ maybe’, equally it is unacceptable for a woman to say she wants to remain childfree, only to announce suddenly she needs to become a mother.

Of course, everyone has the right to change their mind. But it doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to feel angry and a little lost within the relationship.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about this — in fact, I think it’s fair if you feel a little resentful about being cast as the villain.

I am certain, however, that you will have some compassion towards your wife. I suspect that more than a little of what she’s feeling is hormonal.

At 40, her body will be telling her in no uncertain terms that her childbearing window is closing fast.

The uncomfortable question is: had she always secretly felt this way and hoped you would ‘come round’, or is she also surprised by her change of heart?

Do you feel that she has waited until you’re married and she’s more secure in the relationship before unburdening her truth? Explain to her how important it is for you to fully understand how this has happened.

Otherwise you will start to question everything about your relationship.

In turn, you must be honest with her — tell her you do not want to be bullied into changing your mind on something so fundamental. Be brave.

This will be an awkward and frightening conversation for you both — and be clear that this will determine the rest of your lives together, if indeed you stay together. I know that sounds dramatic, but this is one area where there can be no compromise: you either go ahead and have a child willingly and joyfully, or you do not — you can’t suck it and see!

That said, no one wants to live with regret, and in this case someone may well end up doing so. You need to decide if that will be you, or your wife.

Neither of you should relent on your personal ideal just to keep the other happy, because it will never make you both happy.