I fear my rebound lover’s using me

DEAR BEL,

LAST October, I joined a Christian dating website and met a lovely man in early December. We’ve been seeing each other since then.

The problem is, he didn’t tell me he’s separated until our first date — his profile said ‘ single’. I wouldn’t normally think of dating a separated man.

He said he’d been separated for one month after being married for only three weeks, and they were together for three months prior to their wedding.

I was surprised and thought it soon for him to be looking for another relationship, but he has assured me that he is completely over his wife, but not fully over the hurt of the situation. She threw him out and won’t have anything to do with him.

The main problem is we live about 25 miles apart, so see each other only once or twice a month. I can only really meet him at weekends, because that’s when my daughter goes to her dad’s. Plus he’s either sometimes working late shifts, or can’t afford to come to me because he has financial pressures, then another week a throat/chest bug, so I haven’t seen him any of those weekends.

I have my driving test booked but he’s reluctant to let me take the train to him (as I have) because he says it’s too big a journey for me. I appreciate his concern, but I’m happy to travel.

I like him but I’m starting to feel alone and don’t know what to do. He can blow hot and cold. One minute he has deep feelings for me, then comes across as being not sure about us and that hurts — as we slept together for the first time last weekend.

Am I just being used to fill an emotional void after his wife dumped him? Should I move on or give it longer?

ROSANNE

LIke you, I find this chap’s speed of operation pretty surprising. He meets a woman, marries her three months later, gets dumped by her after three weeks of marriage, then one month later joins a dating site.

You have accepted his story of being the wronged one — hurt by his rejection — and suggest that it shows she is ‘very unstable’.

But forgive me, it would be unwise to take that at face value. You cannot know the truth of what happened; it might have been that some of his behaviour to his wife was unacceptable and tested her tolerance.

Then comes the issue of distance. In the short time you have known each other he has failed to drive to see you because he’s short of cash. Really? You could have chipped in for petrol.

Then he was unwell. Really? A man who was keen might have invited you to go and smooth his fevered brow. And he doesn’t want you to make the journey by train to him because it’s too long — at 25 miles!

What’s more, since you say you’re happy to travel he is dictating what you do or do not do — which I personally could not accept. Is this being a fusspot — or evasive? You can see where I am going with this, can’t you?

I suspect that in your heart you know the relationship has been on shaky ground from the beginning and I’m worried that the fact that you have slept with him will not help the situation. Since you both joined a specifically Christian dating website you must both have firm moral beliefs to complicate an already difficult and unsatisfactory situation.

You haven’t described your marriage: when and why it failed. So I’m wondering if you were hurt, whether you are divorced, whether you have a residual sense of sadness or feel fully recovered. It all has a bearing on your need for companionship and love.

At the moment you feel lonely because this new man is not giving you the attention you want and need and you’re understandably unsure of his feelings and intentions.

Obey your instincts and take some large paces back. keep in contact, but allow him to make all the running.

I would keep your options open, go back on the site (maybe cast your net wider, too), meet new people (if you can) through your church and take up something new. If this guy wants the relationship to work, then let him try. Meanwhile, you pass that test, get yourself some wheels — and fly.