Friends with benefits only works for one

DOM SAYS:

I’m so sorry to read about your heartache. You’ve really been through the mill with this chap. Life has been very up and down, and you must be emotionally exhausted.

It seems likely your friend has a problem with commitment. For some people the grass will always be greener and that can be a kind of curse. I know someone like this, and I’m not sure he’ll ever truly settle down and commit for good, to the detriment of his own happiness.

No matter how much you love this chap, and no matter how much you sympathise with the wider reasons for his behaviour as detailed in your longer letter, a decision has to be taken.

A leopard doesn’t change his spots, after all, and if you don’t change the current set-up you will continue to get hurt.

You are in a terrible situation at the moment, as you keep getting your heart broken. How awful! I feel so sorry for you. It must be truly terrible to hold a torch like this and continually wonder if he might come back to you soon. You must have very little peace, and I really think you deserve some.

You are just friends at the moment and have been for some time, but previously you were friends with benefits, which is a situation I’ve often thought must be quite awful for the partner who secretly longs for more. It is oK to wish you were together, but sadly I think the time has come for you to accept that you are not.

Every relationship is different, and some exes can forge friendships which are helpful and supportive, but I fear this is not the case for you. I think you need to be the kind of friends who are civil to each other if you bump into one other, perhaps send a Christmas card and a birthday text, but beyond that, it seems to me that if you remain so closely connected, you are simply destined to keep being hurt.

If you can’t bear the thought of not being friends, then perhaps the best thing to do is to tell yourself you will be again — in the future. Give it five years and things may well be different.

Imagine how you want your life to look then — and if you choose at that point to invite him in again, then so be it.

If you decide not to change anything now, then the pattern will simply keep repeating.

I think deep down you know that, and I’d like to give you the boost you need to make the break. He is not treating you as you deserve to be treated.

This is not how love acts. Clear the space for someone whose priority is making you feel loved — not insecure.