It’s hard but you’ll have to walk away

STEPH SAYS:

IT Is a frustrating fact that we do not choose who we fall in love with. We may think we make a choice, but the truth is, we don’t. Love is love — it cannot be fabricated or calculated.

It’s clear to me that you know you need to move on — in fact, in your longer letter you say you know what you need to do. so let me try to help you do it. You need to stop being so hard on yourself and get savvy — you must structure your exit.

As you have sadly discovered, when you love someone, you can’t just turn that love off. There are people who would say: ‘Delete his number, block him on your social media, crack open the wine and Just move on.’ But I would never be so disrespectful of your feelings, because, frankly, real life isn’t like that. Real life is messy and painful and it’s rarely as straightforward as simply ripping the plaster off and expecting the wound to heal immediately.

I think you should start by accepting that no matter what you do, this is the man you love. You are asking too much of yourself to expect to be happy about the fact he has met someone else. In an ideal world, we should all be happy for our exes when they move on and find love, but this is not often the case. You are still in love with him. of course, you’ll be hurt seeing him so happy with someone else.

I’m so sorry for your poor heart, but this is your reality.

I think if you are strong enough to accept this as truth, you may be able to start to see a future in which you put yourself back in the driving seat. You can’t control how you feel about him, but you can control how you react to the situation. Accept you may have to live with your love for him, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep putting your heart in his hands.

Take time to decide how much of this you share with him.

I suspect he is probably unaware of the pain he is causing you. I’m sure he is not deliberately setting out to hurt you.

If it were me, I would have an honest conversation with him. Explain you are cutting yourself free to start building a future without him. You may decide that telling him how much you love him will only make you feel more vulnerable. However, it can have the opposite effect.

I want you to feel empowered and I think the advice of a professional throughout this period may help you achieve this. You will need support — as you’ve found, it’s not easy to walk away from the one you love, even when you know it’s for the best. You can do it, though. You will heal and you will love again.