CORONAVIRUS: NOW IT’S A PANDEMIC
Sir, i was both saddened and distressed by the views expressed by the distinguished parrot, Ms Pretty Polly, in her recent letter to your column.
She complained of the frequent misuse of the word ‘ parrot’ to mean ‘to repeat mindlessly’. Fair enough. i can see why such an insult could cause many highly intelligent parrots a great deal of hurt.
But in calling for resistance to this calumny, Ms Parrot concluded her letter by saying: ‘This is no time to be sheepish.’
How dare she! As a leading sheep, and Hon Treasurer of the BSA (Bold Sheep Association) i am liable to get ratty at any suggestion that sheep are bashful. Members of our association include a sheep who has been into space, a sheep who climbed the Matterhorn, and a sheep who appeared in the last series but one of Animal Love island. B.A.B.A. Lamb.
SIR, We, the undersigned, were horrified by your correspondent B.A.B.A. Lamb’s use of the adjective ‘ratty’ to describe feelings of irritation or annoyance.
Of all the members of the animal kingdom, rats continue to suffer the most unthinking abuse. ‘You dirty rat’ is a common insult, popularised by James Cagney, a man well known for his prejudice against the rat community.
Also, anyone who betrays a friend is commonly referred to as ‘a rat’. Yet rats are, in our experience, the most loyal of companions. We also wash ourselves so regularly that the expression ‘you spotlessly clean rat’ is more appropriate.
Possibly our abusers think they are just enjoying a lark. But what they see as larking, we see as bullying. Roland Rat and 56 others.
Sir, Your correspondent Mr roland rat implies that larks are all just silly time-wasters. Nothing could be further from the truth.
There are larks who occupy senior positions at some of our leading universities, and larks who are valued members of the General Synod of the Church of England.
i myself regularly appear as a panellist on BBC1’ s Question Time, offering opinions on anything from climate change to the need for a long- term pensions strategy.
We larks are not simply swanning about, doing nothing. Neither are we slothful. So no more larkist remarks please. We will not be cowed! Major Philip Lark (ret’d).
SIR, What on earth does Major Lark mean when he talks about ‘swanning about, doing nothing’?
We swans live very full and vigorous lives, and it is high time this was recognised. Far from being idlers, we are eager beavers. We may make it look easy to glide along the river looking graceful but, believe me, it takes a very great deal of hard work. Edgar Swan, the Thames.
Sir, As a listless beaver with no work coming my way, and lacking the wherewithal to be self- employed, i take grave exception to Mr Swan’s thoughtless use of the term ‘eager beavers’. We are not all keepfit fanatics. The majority of beavers in the wellregarded ALB (Association for Lethargic Beavers) simply do not have the energy to embark on such fruitless tasks as building dams from twigs. instead, we prefer to relax on the riverbank with a good book. Antony Beaver, Rotterdam.
Sir, As a cow, and proud of it, i am distressed by Mr Lark’s use of the word ‘cowed’. He seems to suggest that we can be bullied into submission. in fact, cows will always stand up and be counted. in 1066, there were cows at the Battle of Hastings, and they got there well before the fighting began. More recently, several cows volunteered for the Apollo space mission, though the cramped conditions of the capsule meant that their applications were turned down. Clarabel Friesian, Cowes.
SIR, I was appalled by your previous correspondent’s disgraceful use of the word ‘bullied’ to mean ‘intimidated’.
As President of the Royal Society of British Bulls, I am sick to death of those who suggest that bulls are anything but gentle and sensitive souls. In future, I will come down like a ton of bricks on any critics, and make them wish they had never been born. Ferdinand Bull, Madrid.
Sir, As a leading sloth, i was horrified by Major Lark’s suggestion (‘Neither are we slothful’) that sloths are lazy. i would argue my case at greater length but, frankly, i can’t be bothered. Samuel Sloth, Much Sleeping, Dorset.