Why did I never just say ‘I love you’?

DEAR BEL,

I’M WRITING because my words might help other men. I’m 71 and 63 days ago something took away the light of my life. I have cried every one of those days — but also learned some very important lessons.

I cannot put them into practice because it’s too late. My biggest regret and guilt is not telling her she was the light of my life and I loved her.

This I’ve learned — tell the light of your life every day that she deserves love. You can never tell her enough. Do it. Send her love notes at least once a week. When we were courting, I sent them as often as I could but stopped when we lived together. Big mistake.

After her death, I found all these notes (as well as the birthday and Valentine cards) and now realise how important they were to her. I just sat and howled.

We often talked about getting married but for some reason I prevaricated. Then it was too late.

My Rose wanted to get married more than anything else, but I was too stupid to realise this and she didn’t tell me how important it was to her.

The love of your life should mean everything to you so

tell her — and listen as well. Don’t leave it too late. I am now on my own. My son lives more than 250 miles away and I’m not sure he understands the way I feel about Rose.

Yes, I still talk to her photographs — tell her I love her and I am hers forever and all I want is to be by her side.

To most men this will sound like a load of old tosh but if I’d opened my heart before I might feel a little happier. My stupidity means I can do nothing about it now. Do you think this advice might save other men from feeling as I do now?

PETER

Your heartfelt email is full of wisdom borne of great pain — and I believe it is full of good advice to all people, not just men. That is, those who share their lives with others and who probably forget to tell their partners that they appreciate and love them.

‘That was the best plate of beans on toast I’ve ever eaten’ will surely raise a smile — and carries far more meaning than the mundane words imply.

Even those who live alone can express precious fellowship with the world by thanking people they meet or offering the basic courtesies of human contact to others — like the person on the supermarket checkout. Not just now, of course.

And one lesson of this lockdown must surely be that we need each other and that — yes, indeed, Peter — we should say so.

But let’s return to your belief that many men will regard your expressions of ‘guilt and sorrow’ (the subject line of your email) and feeling of love as ‘a load of old tosh’. Is this true? Perhaps.

The truth is, most of us lack the time (or inclination) to write ‘love notes’ once courtship is over. Is that sad?

To be honest, I think written expressions of love are less important than the spoken words you mention. It doesn’t have to be flowery; ‘Have I ever told you you’re the best?’ will count for a lot, especially with a hug. That and listening carefully to a partner’s wishes, as well as guessing what may be unsaid.

Many women do long for their partners to be more demonstrative in word and deed. over the years, I have heard that so often — in readers’ letters and in the conversation of friends.

But you know, your Valentine cards (and I bet you wrote really sweet words) were rightly treasured and I am sure rose knew how much you loved her.

It’s really sad that you feel so guilty now and I honestly don’t believe she would wish it.

Surely you were not ‘ stupid’? Didn’t you just live as most people do — taking those we love for granted?

A powerful grief and love inspired your email, Peter, but don’t waste time by regretting what you cannot change. Your words to others are wise and right, but now I’m asking you to be a little more gentle on yourself.

You loved your partner deeply and she loved you back, and that is the precious gift you carry now in your heart. Don’t wash out the memories of joy with too many tears. An overabundance of guilt and sorrow can become like those weeds that choke the flowers.

Such a love as you and rose shared should be celebrated.

And I don’t mind what people may think — my own belief is that her spirit is still with you and hears every single word of love you say.