The house is your dream not his
STEPH SAYS:
THE first thing I’d like to point out is that, just because somebody has not been married doesn’t necessarily mean they are commitment-phobic.
You don’t mention your own relationship history, but I’d imagine that, at 66 and 53, you’ve probably both had invitations to live with other partners at some point. So you also know that living together doesn’t necessarily mean staying together.
A five- year partnership, especially later in life, is pretty committed. You sound like you’re worried about running out of time. Why the need for an outward sign of commitment? You say your friends tell you he’s got cold feet — I’d urge you not to pay too much heed to that.
You’ve been together for five years — this is significant, so why are you so anxious?
I wonder if you are the happymaker in the relationship; the people-pleaser who smooths ruffled feathers and makes everything OK. It sounds as if you may be conflict-averse. But clearly you’re not the only one here who is afraid.
I admit I smiled when I read he was worried about Brexit. I imagine he meant he was anxious about house prices — if that was the case, he’s probably terrified right now! It’s not exactly a good time to sell property. Give him a break on that one.
But if this is about house prices, that means it’s about money. And if he’s never married, at 66, he is going to be twitchy about that. After all, as we get closer to our pensions, financial issues and insecurities do rather come into focus.
What does concern me is that you don’t seem to be able to talk to him about all of this. It seems that the house on the south coast is your dream, not his. He doesn’t want to sell his house. He’s quite happy with the way things are — and you are not.
You say you love him and have been happy with him for five years, but I think you need to have an honest word with yourself. What do you want long-term?
Just because you can challenge him about what he really wants doesn’t mean you should. First, you must decide if you are prepared to risk what you have for the house on the coast and a ring on your finger. Because if you issue any ultimatum, you may well force his hand and give him a reason to leave you.
Would it be so bad to give up on the idea of living together? If that’s a deal-breaker for him, is it one for you, too?
It sounds like you have a lovely life with separate homes and no children. Before you paint yourself into a corner, be honest with yourself and think about what you really want. It may be you already have it.