It’s Bond, James Bond . . . and little Miss Bond

IT’S BEEN reported that James Bond, played by Daniel Craig, will have a five-year-old daughter in the forthcoming film, No Time To Die, so does that mean 007 will have no time to do anything? CHAPTER ONE

Bond awoke. The feel of the sand reminded him where he was. He peered through the fringe of leaves and grass that concealed him from the beach. His heart began to pound.

In front of him stood a young woman, not quite naked. She wore a broad leather belt round her waist. The belt made her nakedness extraordinarily erotic. She had beautiful firm breasts that jutted towards him.

She spotted Bond. Her questing blue eyes examined him fiercely. ‘Who are you? What’s your name?’

‘ Bond. James Bond. And, if I may say so, you are an exceptionally attractive young lady.’

‘And who . . . is this?’ The naked lady pointed to the little girl by Bond’s side.

‘My name is Mathilde. I am five and a half, nearly six. I’m bored. Can we go now, daddy?’

‘And the person to your right?’ She pointed to the middle- aged woman standing next to him in a sensible summer dress from Marks & Spencer, holding a wicker basket and a windshield.

‘My name is Bond. Jennie Bond. Former royal correspondent with the BBC and James’s wife, since you ask. Come along, James, come along, Mattie. It’s high time we packed up our bits and pieces and got back to the hotel. Antiques Roadshow is on in ten minutes.’ ‘I’m bored’, repeated the child. ‘But before you go, Mr Bond,’ said the naked lady, ‘you must introduce me to the person on your left.’

‘Ah. Yes. Since you ask, this is my mother-in-law.’

The elderly woman returned the naked lady’s stare. She had no time for niceties.

‘ You need to make yourself decent, young lady! Imagine! Stark naked on the beach — and in broad daylight! What’s the world coming to? Tell her to put something on, James! And stop that ridiculous ogling. A man of your age!’

‘Has anyone seen those paper napkins? I’m sure I put them somewhere,’ said Jennie Bond, impatiently picking up the litter. ‘And, James — the least you can do is help with the deckchair. And don’t forget the suncream.’ Stealing one last furtive glance at the young woman on the beach, James Bond walked back to the hotel with his family in tow.

‘Are we nearly there, daddy?’ said Mathilde. ‘I’m bored.’

CHAPTER TWO

dR no sat upright in his chair at his underground headquarters, and drew a steel claw out of his wide sleeve.

‘And now, Mister James Bond, you will tell me all your secrets. If you do not, then these pincers’ — he pointed the claw at Bond’s eyes — ‘will know that you are lying.’

Bond struggled to free himself, but the leather straps around his wrists were pulled tight.

A woman put her head around the steel door. So this must be Mrs no, thought Bond. She’s wearing a pair of Marigolds.

‘Julius, dear, have you put the bins out?’ ‘not now’, snapped dr no, testily. ‘ Can’t you see I’m busy?’

‘depends what you call busy,’ replied Mrs no. ‘ And then you’ve got to help Jason with his Geography homework. And Angela is refusing to tidy her room, even though your mother is due in less than two hours, and as for Keith, he promised me he was ...’ This was a tricky time for the no family, thought Bond, but he decided it was best to say nothing.

Jennie had insisted on accompanying him to the secret headquarters in the boot of the car, saying that otherwise she never got out. Then, just as they were leaving, their young daughter had said it was unfair that she should be left behind, so they’d had to bring her along, too.

And now all three of them were strapped to metal thrones, bracing themselves for dr no to do his worst.

‘So sorry — I didn’t realise we had guests!’ said Mrs no, removing her Marigolds, and shaking their hands. ‘Julius calls himself a doctor, but he never thinks of anyone but himself! Anyway, I’m Sheila no. Lovely to meet you. ooh, you do look uncomfortable there, all strapped up — let me get you a cushion or two!’

Bond looked at dr no, and dr no looked back at Bond. Together, they emitted manly sighs.

‘ I’m bored’, said Mathilde, fidgeting in her seat. ‘ Can we go now?’