Walk into your future without him

STEPH SAYS:

i must tell you that since lockdown began, we’ve seen a real increase in letters about infidelity — suspected or otherwise. sadly, you’re very much not alone. there are many, many people out there who are, like you, struggling with feelings of anxiety and suspicion.

it’s not surprising really: our relationships are under massive strain and we are all finding it hugely difficult to maintain our relationships with the many restrictions that lockdown imposes on us. i believe you have to be very strong as a couple to withstand something like this.

Dealing with an ex-partner who is still in the life of your partner is difficult enough, but an ex with a child is another thing. it is hard to cope with and to know how to be gracious and not suspicious, even if you haven’t been given a good reason to feel that way!

in your longer letter, you tell us the exact date of the infidelity and it struck me that to have the date so fixed in your head might mean you’re punishing yourself by repeatedly going there. if this is the case, then i hope i can help you to stop doing that.

You say you’ve forgiven him, but it doesn’t sound as if you have; not really. And that’s OK. You can’t force yourself to forgive.

You have been more than gracious by allowing him back in your life the first time around, but by imposing restrictions on him — such as ‘he musn’t go inside the house, he must show you messages from his ex’ — you are driving him further underground. Anybody who is restricted or told what they can and cannot do, will often do the opposite — they almost feel compelled to.

i have no way of knowing if he has already cheated on you again, or if he will in the future (although i do know that the first time for everything is the hardest, and then it gets easier). But i feel that you must accept that he and his ex are not over each other.

You are better than this. You deserve more. i believe in my heart that, as a result of his first indiscretion, your relationship is irretrievably broken.

i do not believe it is going to get any better any time soon. His son will always be a conduit to his mother.

By sleeping with someone else, he has shown he is cavalier with your feelings and your relationship together. You deserve more.

the uncomfortable truth is that he is taking advantage of your good nature and it is simply unacceptable.