Photo that proves the power of forgiveness
THE three most powerful words in the English language are said to be: ‘I love you.’
But there are another three words that I think deserve equal billing: ‘I forgive you.’ Forgiveness doesn’t evoke the same frisson of excitement as love. It might not be the subject of as many films or have as many songs written about it as love does.
And yet forgiveness is no less a powerful virtue, as perhaps Prince William has discovered.
To mark Father’s Day last weekend — and in addition to the joyous pictures of himself with his children — the Duke of Cambridge posted a charming snap taken by his wife Kate of him with his father, Prince Charles.
Smiling broadly, with his arm round Charles, who is snuggled into his son’s shoulder, it radiates warmth, affection and fun.
This has prompted some royal commentators to speculate that the pair are enjoying a better relationship of late. It has been suggested in the past that their difficulties were rooted in Charles’s perceived treatment of William’s late mother Diana, his affair with Camilla and a childhood blighted by a bitter divorce.
WILLIAM is said to now understand that Charles has been as much of a positive influence on his life as the Princess.
While this is all, of course, speculation, I’ve no doubt that Charles has his faults, but it makes sense that with maturity and fatherhood William seems to have gained wisdom.
It makes sense that he is learning to appreciate the Prince of Wales as the complex character he is — as we all are. I am sure that this attitude has helped William find the contentment and confidence that is so evident in his manner now.
Of course, few child- parent relationships are without their issues, but blaming parents, or indeed anyone else, is an all-too easy excuse for when life throws up challenges.
The past decade or so has seen the rise of a grievance culture in which too many people blame others for their faults and difficulties, and seem to revel in being a victim. In my work, I’ve seen patients who wallow in self-pity, holding on to their grievance like a talisman and allowing it dominate their life.
I tell them that one of the scary things about being an adult is that you’re responsible for your own life. Your mistakes are no one’s fault but your own, but so are your achievements.
The first step out of this morass is to forgive your parents (or whoever) for what they did and understand that while people are complex and capable of hurting you, you must learn to accept that ultimately you are in charge of your destiny.
This can be liberating. When you forgive someone, they lose their control over you. Your emotions are no longer in their grip, your feelings no longer at their mercy.
Forgiveness puts you in a position of incredible power. It neutralises the perpetrator.
Perhaps one reason we’re so reluctant to forgive is that we think it makes us look weak, or that what has happened doesn’t matter. But that’s not true. At the heart of forgiveness is tranquility and peace and surely that’s what we’re all striving for in life?
I remember one patient who, after many years in therapy, wrote a letter to her father in prison saying she forgave him for murdering her mother and sexually abusing her as a child.
HE HAD never shown any remorse for his vile actions and I was astonished she was able to do this. She told me she found peace in forgiving him unconditionally.
‘The day I decided to forgive him was the day I felt a weight lift off me,’ she explained. ‘ It didn’t matter he wasn’t sorry. I realised until I forgave him, he would always have power over me. I was always his victim.’
That brave woman showed me that forgiveness is about freeing yourself. It is a display of power. Forgiving someone and moving on is one of life’s true achievments.