How can I cope with my cruel, bullying husband?

DEAR BEL,

I AM so unhappy with my husband — whom I met in 1971 when I was 16 and he was 21. Three months later, Don asked me to marry him. Within two years we were married with a baby, and I knew by then what a dreadful mistake I’d made.

I felt trapped and didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t able to go back to my parents because they were very much opposed to the marriage. They and both my older brothers (sadly, passed away now) told me what Don was like, but I was too young to see or believe it.

His violent temper has frightened me many times and he has been physically abusive, threatening, and emotionally cruel. The latter has gone on for decades.

I have tried so hard to stop him but nothing works. Some years ago we had counselling at Relate, and he was told that he is a bully. Lots of things were talked through, but after a few weeks of slight improvement he quickly reverted.

Five years ago, I had breast cancer, and thought it might make Don kinder, but it didn’t.

Just over a year ago, I was taken to hospital with chest pains, palpitations, vomiting and very high blood pressure. The paramedic thought it was a heart attack, but it was diagnosed as extreme stress. Talking things over in A&E, I was told that Don is gaslighting me. Now I know what that manipulation means I can see clearly that he always has done this. I was also told that he is either trying to kill me, or doesn’t care if he does.

I sleep badly, never feel truly happy or peaceful, and always know that something else will happen soon.

When his outbursts are over, he sometimes says sorry, but not convincingly. He never understands what his behaviour is like and I always feel manipulated.

At other times, he’ll be hearty and cheerful then chide me for not being the same. It feels like a cruel game.

He’ll make himself a hot drink, never offer me one, but expect all his meals on the table. I should have left him years ago, but this life is all I have known and I’m now 66.

The thought of leaving my home and garden after so long feels impossibly daunting, and I know it would be traumatic for our children and grandchildren, too.

I am really worried about my health though, and the effect of living with constant stress and unhappiness. I’d be glad of anything you could suggest to help me. MAVIS

One of the most extraordinary details of this sad, disturbing story of a marriage, is that you had a most unusual heart-to-heart while in A&e.

Since, in my experience, few medical staff would go so far as to talk of ‘gaslighting’ and guess at a husband’s near-homicidal intentions, I can only assume that your distress was so great that a nurse (I’m guessing) provided an informal, kindly ear while you poured out your unhappiness.

Did you follow up the thoughts she/he put into your head? Did you wonder if your husband could be guilty of coercive control?

‘Gaslighting’ comes from the 1940s play, Gaslight, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small things and insisting she is delusional.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can insidiously undermine all the victim’s confidence in his/her judgment and — ultimately sanity. It’s a common aspect of coercive control. You should research this anew.

You are bitterly unhappy yet cannot imagine leaving your prison. That understandable fear of the unknown is a common response to a bad marriage — though to me a ‘home

and garden’ is a heavy price to pay for such a miserable existence.

But you don’t mention ‘children and grandchildren’ until the end, and I wonder whether your adult children are aware of your misery.

They will surely have witnessed their father’s bullying tendencies in the past, so should they be protected from their mother’s present misery? I think not.

And should you continue submitting to this bully in order to protect them from some ‘trauma’ you imagine they would feel if you left him? I think not.

You need to confide in them as soon as possible. What if one of them were to say, ‘Mum, I wish you’d just leave and come and stay with us?’ What then?

You could go back to Relate (perhaps online), this time alone, in the hope that counselling might give you the strength to leave the marriage.

I also think you should start keeping a detailed notebook recording his behaviour — every outburst; every word; every act of selfishness that sabotages your self-esteem; every moment when you felt ‘manipulated’ — and why.

This dossier is important. Keeping it will give you back a sense of control, and it could be useful evidence should you seek legal advice. You have been living with the ‘terrible mistake’ of your youth for half a century.

Do you want to crawl towards the end of your life in abject fear and misery?

Or could you summon up the strength to stand tall at last and say, ‘ Enough’? That’s what I pray for you, Mavis, so please seek help.