Meet Monty Monopolize, the dad who kept all the toys to himself
START your Saturday with a snigger with this peek into David Walliams’ new book for children, The World’s Worst Parents. Out next week, it features ten hilarious tales of the most spectacularly silly mums and daft dads you’ll ever meet. Today, in an exclusive extract, we tell the first part of the story of Monty Monopolize, a dad of two who hogs all the children’s toys to himself.
Once there were two brothers who dreaded their birthdays, christmas time and even easter. Surely all children love receiving presents? no. not these two. Moe and curly loathed those times of the year. The reason was simple. Their father, Monty Monopolize, would give the boys toys, and then neVeR let them play with them.
Instead, he would hog them all for himself.
A car- and- racingtrack set went straight into the garage for Monty to amuse himself with alone. Moe and curly were not even allowed to look at it ‘in case they broke it with their eyes’.
A train set suffered a similar fate. It was kept under lock and key in the attic. And Father had hidden the key!
A remote- controlled fighter plane would be taken to the park, and only flown by Monty. Although when he crashed into the park keeper he handed the remote control to his sons so they had to take the blame.
However, Monty’s favourite toy in the world was BRICKO. BRICKO is a line of building sets, with bricks made of differentcoloured plastic. Monty bought his two sons boxes and boxes of the stuff. ‘Merry christmas, chaps!’ Monty would announce. ‘Thank you, Father!’ they would reply, their little eyes lighting up with glee. Then, as soon as they had unwrapped it and exclaimed, ‘ BRICKO! BRILLIAnT!’, the man would snatch it back from them. ‘Don’t you worry, chaps. Father will put this one together for you!’ With that, he would disappear up to his bedroom and start building. Over the years, Monty had collected every single BRICKO set. Mr Monopolize was bananas about BRICKO. He would snap the bricks to one another all day.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
And all night.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
If Moe and curly tried to help snap the bricks together, he would shoo them out of his bedroom. ‘BeGOne! BRICKO IS OnLY TO Be PLAYeD WITH BY GROWnUPS! nOT cHILDRen!’ Kids love to use BRICKO to build their own weird and wonderful creations. not Monty. no, he followed the impossibly long instruction booklets to the absolute letter. BRICKO sets had to be built perfectly to plan. One afternoon, Monty Monopolize was on his way home from work at the frozen-pea factory. His job was counting out the peas for each bag: 327. not one more. not one less. The man always walked home the long way round so that he could go past the BRICKO superstore.
That afternoon, Monty spotted a gigantic new building set box that took up the whole of the shop window. It was the largest set
BRICKO had ever produced.
One million pieces!
The earth. Yes! A gigantic model of the earth!
Monty’s eyes widened with delight. This was the most detailed model BRICKO had ever produced. every continent, every ocean, every mountain range was represented. There were people, animals, fish swimming in the seas. even Monty and the family home were there. And the model wasn’t that much smaller than the real earth. This could be Monty Monopolize’s million- piece
masterpiece! He had to have it! So he waited until christmas and announced to his sons, ‘This year I have bought you two boys a joint present.’
‘Is it BRICKO?’ asked Moe, already knowing the answer. ‘Just you wait and see.’ ‘It is BRICKO, though, isn’t it?’ added curly, rolling his eyes.
‘ Well, don’t spoil it for yourselves! But, yes, it is. DARLInG!’ he called out. ‘BRInG
In THe PReSenT!’
Moira Monopolize, the boys’ mother, was so fed up with her husband’s BRICKO obsession that she rarely uttered a word. So, without saying a thing, Mother pushed the biggest gift you’ve ever seen into the living room. The box was the size of a double-decker bus. Using all her might, she slid it through the door.
The family cat, Bricko, leaped out of the way…
‘MIAOW!’
… as the box hit the BRICKO christmas tree.
DOINK!
The plastic tree came crashing down on her husband’s head.
WHOOSH!
BOINK!
Breaking into pieces.
‘ARGH! CAREFUL!’
he shouted as his sons chuckled to themselves.
‘HA! HA! HA!’
For a brief moment, a flicker of a smile crossed Moira’s mouth. She must have knocked over the Christmas tree on purpose! Naughty Mummy! thought the boys. ‘ MERRY CHRISTMAS!’ announced Father. ‘ ON THE COUNT OF THREE YOU MAY THREE, TWO…’ UNWRAP! ‘Father, why don’t you just open it?’ asked Moe. ‘Cut out the middleman,’ added Curly.
‘Moe, Curly, I have absolutely no idea what you mean! This is YOUR Christmas present. And I want you two boys to enjoy it!
ONE! UNWRAP!’
The boys shook their heads, and reluctantly went to work ripping the wrapping paper off.
RIP! RAP! RUP!
Finally, the box was revealed in all its glory. ‘ BRICKO Earth?’ uttered Moe, not quite believing what he was reading. ‘One million pieces!’ added Curly. ‘That is NUTS!’ ‘Well, I think you have both enjoyed your Christmas present long enough. Darling, please take the box upstairs to our bedroom!’ Mother shook her head in disbelief, and pushed the box back out of the living room, running over her husband’s foot in the process. ‘OUCH!’ he cried. Once again, she smirked to herself. Just then Moe whispered something in Curly’s ear. ‘What’s that?’ demanded Father. ‘Nothing!’ chirped the boys together. ‘ You two are up to something!’ ‘Never!’ replied Moe. ‘Enjoy playing with our latest present, Father!’ added Curly. ‘ Mmm. Yes. I will! Merry Christmas, one and all!’ That Christmas morning, Monty set to work. He banned anyone from entering the bedroom, putting up a sign on the door made with BRICKO bricks that read: ENTRY STRICTLY FORBIDDEN! NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!
Monty laid out all the hundreds of instruction booklets and thousands of individual bags of plastic bricks meticulously on the floor. This operation needed military precision. Even if it was with only an army of one.
But, as soon as they heard their father take his first pee break, the two boys crawled over to his bedroom door.
The brothers had timed their father’s pees, and knew he took
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