Maybe she’s afraid of rejection, too

STEPH SAYS:

The first thing I would like to say is that writing to us was a brave thing to do and I thank you. You are by no means alone in finding that an enforced separation during the pandemic has led you to see things differently.

Five years is a long time to be going out with each other, and you sound like you have a happy family life. As such, it must be very difficult to feel, as you say, like a ‘hidden man’.

I get the feeling that you somehow feel hoodwinked, so I ask you is there really so much harm in her coming to you when her boys are away or busy? Why is that such a bad thing?

You use the word ‘scheduled’ in a very negative way, but maybe she liked to plan and look forward to seeing you?

Is she really hiding you? She hasn’t hidden herself away from your family — she’s involved with your boys — so for her it is clear that she’s not a secret.

You say your girlfriend tells you her sons are very fearful about reintegrating after the pandemic. Well, I think that’s completely normal. I am, too — in fact, I think we all should be. So, in that regard, I don’t see this as pandering to her children.

But I don’t think this is about that. And after five years together, I am very confident that you do not either.

I can’t tell you why she doesn’t want her family to mix with your family, but I do wonder if there’s a story here that she doesn’t want to share with you. It could be something she fears you would reject her for — or it could be a very deep sadness.

But it is you who has written for help, not her, and you clearly feel deeply hurt to write that you feel ‘demeaned’. Over the years, this lady’s behaviour has chipped away at your selfconfidence and self-esteem. You sound truly broken-hearted and I’m so sorry.

Your desire for her to share her family with you is at the heart of this letter, and her refusal to do so has hurt you so much that you’ve broken off the relationship. I think it’s important to stress here that it was you who did that: you are at the helm of your decisions.

I do always advocate talking, so perhaps you should try asking her once more for her truth. Your relationship will only survive if you feel you are with an honest person.

You ask ‘why can’t she see the light’ and I’m afraid I don’t know, but I fear the only light that she can see is the one pointing directly at her. If this is the case, your decision to stop seeing her is the right one.

Your light is worthy of being seen, too — and so are you.