‘Half of you, I love. Madly. The other half scares me’

AMBER Heard wrote – but did not send – an anguished email to Johnny Depp before they were married that was read out in court:

‘It’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Half of you, I love. Madly. The other half scares me. I can’t take him. I wish I could, but I can’t. The problem is, I never really know/understand which one I’m dealing with until it’s too late.

‘The drinking assures me that I am dealing with the monster. The abused scared insecure violent little boy. I just can’t tell where the line starts. Also drugs seem to guarantee I will be forced to deal with the monster as well. Once again, it’s knowing what/how much/and when – which makes all the difference. Sometimes the hangover, the morning after is just as bad as the full on disco bloodbath I’ve come to expect [...]

‘You pay people around you to prevent your feet from having to hit the rock bottom, as they say. Yesterday, I saw you pass out, amongst vomiting, 3 times. All 3 times Jerry had [to] carry you from the floor. On the plane Nathan mentioned how many times he’s had to break into locked doors to wake you up, after passing out on the toilet.

‘You would have embarrassed yourself countless times if someone would be honest enough with you to tell you. To show you. If someone filmed you while you were in this state you would be mortified. It’s embarrassing just watching it happen.

‘You can’t know because people (friends?) keep smiling to your face and then turning their heads and rolling their eyes at how ridiculous they feel and look picking a grown man up from his own p**s and vomit, knowing he’ll never be able to realize how bad he looks.

‘Hungover – postpills is not much better. You’re mean and insensitive.

‘I have no reason I have to stay with you. And I won’t. You don’t pay me. I don’t have to lie to you for my job, livelihood or kids. I will never want to be locked into you. My freedom is now, I realize, the only thing I have to protect me. I will never ever trust you to trap me [...]

‘Many times you have hurt me. Physically and emotionally from the things you say and did while f***ed up. The monster comes out and you become mean and horrible. The opposite of why I love you.

‘And what I am to do? How would you be if you were in love with one person who was in fact two? Both you, the love of my life, and the monster look the same. How f***ing confused I feel.

‘I am mad. So mad. How would you feel if you were sold false goods? I fell for you while you were sober. A whole year. How could I know this lay in store for me? How dare you make me fall in love with you, present this other self – your good half – only to rip the mask off once I was in?!

‘I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I have put up with so much. I have cleaned s**t, vomit and p**s up both literally and figuratively. I have been accused of crazy s**t – none of which I deserved – only to never hear an apology for your boozefuelled zeal. You have hit me repeatedly. Something you should never have done. What a f***ing man you are.

‘And NONE of this would be possible without the booze and drugs. NONE.’

‘I feel like the biggest idiot in the world’